I’ve seen my share of strange organic things showing up in my clients’ swimming pools. Look, if you easily get queasy, maybe you shouldn’t read any further. For those of you made of sturdier stuff, know that humans are, in fact, animals, and as such, quite capable of really disgusting acts. I would have to say the vast majority of these cases arise from young kids and teenagers – the former have accidents, the latter make political statements (though I’m not sure what point they are trying to make). In any event, this is definitely not an urban legend, for the most part.

By far, the most common complaint is that Little Tommy pee’d in the pool. C’mon folks, these things happen. After all, you parents out there built the pool in the first place – what did you expect would happen when your little kid was let loose? Now, if this turns into a chronic problem, then you’re obliged to seek professional help for the child. Obviously you are doing something wrong in your childrearing methods, or else the kid has some sort of mental defect. In either case, I would advise you to ban the kid from the pool until you get the situation sorted out.

Now, some kids graduate to pooping in the pool. Poolpooping is quite different, however, when practiced by a teenager. Then you’re talking about a form of rebellion that I can’t begin to fathom. What kind of worthless and weak parent would let their child go so far off the rails? There are two types of teenage poolpoopers: those who do so in secret as an act of vandalism, and those who stay in the pool and point out their achievement. The undercover poopers are definitely protesting something in a way that is bound to gather attention. The proud showoffs, however, must be on drugs or something. They obviously have no idea of the difference between pride and shame. One can only hope this behavior can be channeled into something that turns this confusion into an asset: congressman comes to mind.

Finally, there are those hormonally-charged teenage boys who leave some little swimming buddies behind. There is an urban legend of virgins getting pregnant this way, but I’ve not been able to confirm this.

I’m not even going to get into pool vomiting. If you have any stories that speak to this issue, please leave a comment below.

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