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Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
From: abw@dsbc.icl.co.uk (Andy Wardley)
Subject: Sex in Tree lady - the full report
Date: Thu, 25 Aug 1994 13:25:02 GMT

I really don't know why I spent a significant part of my lunch hour typing in this utter trash, but I did so you might as well read it.

It about the woman who bonked herself out of a tree in Windsor Great Park. It's taken from The SUN comic^H^H^H^H^Hnewspaper, August 25th, 1984, centre pages.

"I'll make love anywhere" says Liz from The Windsor Castle

"SEX-IN-TREE GIRL ROMPS ON BARS, BILLIARD TABLES, EVEN THE ROOF."

BLONDE Liz Hooper, who broke her leg falling out of a tree during sex has a real passion for nookie sessions in all sorts of bizarre places.

Pub landlady Liz had scaled the huge oak near Windsor Castle with her boyfriend, Jeff Healey.

She says "When I want sex I demand it, there and then. It doesn't matter where I am or who is about.

"I'm a very passionate woman. I have made love at the foot of a tree, up a tree, on the pub bar, on the billiard table, under a restaurant table, on a nightclub roof, in a car"

"We've made love in a field at the Henley Regatta and on park benches. We even had sex on a riverbank a couple of weeks ago in broad daylight. There were all these pleasure boats going past but we couldn't help it.

One boat kept stopping, turning round, and sailing back for a better look. We didn't care, we were in another world.

Liz, 29, who also runs her own kissogram company, was finally caught out when she tumbled 12 1/2 ft to the ground and smashed her ankle on the tree roots. She and Jeff, 34, had climbed the tree at dawn after sharing a bottle of wine on their way home from an all-night party.

Regulars at The Windsor Castle pub nicknamed her Martini. Liz explains: "I'll do it anytime, anywhere.

"REGULAR"

Four days after her fall, Liz was in for the high jump again when Jeff visited her in hospital and slipped between the sheets for another nookie session.

She say: "The nurse walked in and the expression on her face said she was not pleased. I was bored of the hospital painkillers and wanted one of Jeff's.

Liz told how she only discovered "proper sex" after divorcing her husband Simon in May.

She says "I don't class myself as a sex maniac. We had great problems in our marriage and I didn't want to have sex with my husband.

"He said I was frigid and we went to see a sex counsellor who said the problem was within our relationship.

"I bought my husband out of the pub and out of my life. It was a breath of fresh air. I felt young, free and single again."

During the divorce battle she turned for business and emotional support to Jeff who had been a regular at the pub for three years. In June, they became lovers.

Liz says: "We were talking about past lovers and how strange it was that we both had the same circle of friends when I was a teenager. Jeff told me how he once pulled a young blonde by saying he was spending the following day watching tennis in bed and inviting the girl to join him.

"I had a look of total shock on my face. I realised that young blonde was me. Jeff and I made love ten years before but never recognised each other.

"After that we just drifted into each others' arms. The first time we made love was in the bar after closing time. Jeff stayed behind while I cleared up. It wasn't planned it just happened.

"We did it on the bar and on the billiard table. I had never felt passion before, but I felt it then and it was fantastic. I found him very physically attractive.

"After that I had to have sex every day. We would go to all-night raves and on the way home stop at a health club and make love in the jacuzzi.

"Jeff" would then drive me back to the pub and we would make love in the bar before opening, then make love later after last orders.

"ANTS"

"One of my favourite places to make love is in my bath. It has to be free standing so you can get your legs over each side of the bath, of course.

"I have turned one of the bedrooms in my home into a giant bathroom with the bath right in the middle. It is a wonderful place to have sex.

"Another time we went to a nightclub in Windsor and Jeff slipped into the ladies' loo and we climber through an open window to the roof.

"We had a beautiful view of the Castle. We made love under the stars listening to the girls chattering in the loo.

Other times we are in the car and just get an urge to do it. You don't always have to stop. There are other ways of pleasing each other while driving."

Liz explained how she ended up hitting the headlines after falling from the tree last month. I drank about a bottle of wine at this party." she said.

"We got back to the pub at about 5am as the sun was coming up for a beautiful dawn.

"Jeff and I just decided to take all our clothes off and run naked in the park - as you do!

"We grabbed a bottle of wine and went to our favourite oak tree.

"Last time we made love at the foot of the tree but Jeff got bitten by ants all over his backside and didn't fancy going through that again.

"So I gave him a leg up and climbed up to join him. I kept my boots on and Jeff wore just his shorts."

After Liz fell, Jeff, a business recruitment consultant, had to leave her draped in an overcoat while he ran off to call an ambulance.

He said: "It was a really nasty break and her ankle ballooned. I wasn't worried about the circumstances of the fall. She just needed help fast.

Liz had three pins and a plate put into her ankle during a four-hour operation.

Three days later, the couple got in trouble when Jeff grabbed a wheelchair from the local hospital to take Liz down the local for a drink.

He said: "Liz was feeling really low so I kidnapped her from the hospital and pushed her half a mile to the nearest pub.

"There weren't any pavements so I had to run her down the middle of the road and we got spotted by security running back.

"SWELLING"

Next day Jeff was caught in her bed. Liz said: "The nurse who caught us was very frosty. She pointed to my ankle and asked, 'Has the swelling gone down yet?'

Jeff said: 'Only just!' and we both burst out laughing."

Liz insists she will not give up her wild antics. "I love making love outdoors, in bizarre places, and don't care who catches us at it." She says. "Life is too short."

"Just wait until I get my plaster cast off - you never know what you may see. We'll be back in business next month.!"

Liz says her exploits have been great for business at the pub. "We've been packed with customers asking which barmaid fell out of the tree."

She has also been deluged with fan mail addressed to "Elizabeth, The Windsor Castle, Windsor, Berks" including poems and cartoons from admirers.

She said: "There are two Elizabeths with the address Windsor Castle round here. I hope her majesty isn't getting my mail.

What fine journalism!

Andy

Andy Wardley is the man from "abw@oasis.icl.co.uk"

"Andy Wardley IS Rumpy-Pumpy Fun! No, Really!" - Vicki Robinson