| |
|
| Kids: |
Oh say can you see, |
| |
By the dawn's early light, |
| |
What so proudly we hailed-- |
 |
| Joe: |
What? Wait a minute. |
| Ian: |
What? |
| Joe: |
Aren't you Canadian, Ian? |
| Ian: |
Yeah, I think so. |
| Joe: |
Dude, Canadians don't celebrate America. |
| Ian: |
What? |
| Joe: |
You're sposed to sing Canada songs! |
| Ian: |
"O, Canada--" |
 |
| Joe: |
That's a stupid song. |
| Heimbaugh: |
Yeah, Canada sucks. |
| Ian: |
Don't you oppress me, bald boy. |
| Heimbaugh: |
Don't call me bald, buttfucker. |
 |
| Ian: |
Then don't belittle my people you fuckin' baldass! |
| Heimbaugh: |
Goddammit don't call me bald you buttfuckin'
son-of-a-bitch! |
| |
[Peter van der Linden floats down from the sky.] |
| Ian: |
What the-- |
| Terry: |
(zips up hood) |
 |
| Peter: |
Behold my Java books. |
| Joe: |
Holy shit, it's Peter! |
| Heimbaugh: |
What are you doing in South AFU Park, Peter? |
| Peter: |
I come seeking...retribution. |
| Joe: |
*gasp* He's come to kill you cuz you use ActiveX, Heimbaugh! |
| Heimbaugh: |
Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, Peter. Don't kill me. |
| Peter: |
Nay, fear not. I love all web applications. |
| Heimbaugh: |
*whew* |
| Peter: |
MSN is my ISP. Yet all is not right. |
| Joe: |
Your homepage is on MSN? That sucks, dude. |
| Peter: |
I must find a place called "Redmond". |
| Ian: |
Well we can take you to Redmond, Peter. |
| Joe: |
Yeah! It's over this way. |
| |
[Ian and Terry exit] |
| Heimbaugh: |
*ugh* POMMIE BASTARD! You stepped on my foot you
pigfucker. |
| Joe: |
Dude, don't say pigfucker in front of Peter. |
| |
[Joe exits] |
| Heimbaugh: |
Eh, fuck you. |
| |
|
| Joe: |
Here we are Peter, Redmond, WA. Who are you
looking for? |
| Peter: |
Him! |
| Bill: |
Ho ho ho. We meet again, Peter. |
| Peter: |
You have blemished the meaning of open standards for the
last time, Gates. |
| Bill: |
I bring happiness and love to children all over the
web. |
| Peter: |
The web is for celebrating open standards. |
| Bill: |
The web is for profits. |
| Peter: |
I'm here to put an end to your blasphemy. |
| Bill: |
This time we finish it. [Stands] There can be
only one. |
| Joe: |
Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here. |
| |
[Peter and Bill fight] |
| Kids: |
Go Bill! [Peter looks at them] Uh, go Peter! |
 |
| |
[Peter and Bill fight more, Mortal Kombat style. Peter hurls
a dead cat in a paper bag at Bill who ducks. Dead cat in a paper bag
knocks over Bill's $266 million house killing 3 kids. Bill hurls two
blocks of blue ice at Peter who ducks. A block of blue ice hits Terry
in the head, decapitating him like a frozen school bus window. Terry's
head knocks over a statue killing 3 kids.] |
 |
| Ian: |
Oh my god! They killed Terry! |
| Peter: |
Boys, help me put an end to him once and for all. |
| Bill: |
No, boys, help me, so that I can put an end to him. |
| Peter: |
The oldhats are watching you, boys. You know who to help. |
| Bill: |
Joe, remember the flight simulator when you were three? |
| Peter: |
I wrote the AFU FAQ, boys. Don't forget that. |
| Joe: |
I don't know what to do, dude. Who should we help? |
| Heimbaugh: |
I say we help Bill Gates. |
| Ian: |
Eh, you're just saying that because he brings you
NT. |
| Heimbaugh: |
Hey! I don't need to take that kinda shit from a Canadian. |
 |
| Ian: |
You're such a bald fuck, Heimbaugh, that when you walk
down the street people go GODDAMMIT that kid's a BIG BALD
FUCK. |
| Heimbaugh: |
Oh yeah? Well listen up... buttfuckin... |
| Ian: |
I'm not the buttfucker, you're the buttfucker... |
 |
| Joe: |
Wait, wait, just a second. Now we've got to think
here. Now let's see. What would Brian Boitano do? |
| Heimbaugh: |
Yeah. What would Brian Boitano do? |
| |
[Music. Brian Boitano appears.] |
| Brian: |
Did someone say my name? |
| Heimbaugh: |
Brian Boitano! |
| Ian: |
What incredible irony! |
| Heimbaugh: |
Yeah, it's Brian Boitano! |
| Brian: |
What's going on, kids? |
| Joe: |
Okay, Brian? Who would you help in a fight, Peter van der Linden or
Bill Gates? |
| Brian: |
Kids...you shouldn't think of things like that. The Internet
is one place in the world where we all try to get along, no
matter what we believe in. This is the place just to be
good to each other. Bi-eee! |
| |
[Brian skates away.] |
| Peter: |
You fuckin' pussy! |
| Bill: |
C'mere! Come on! |
| Joe: |
Hey, Peter! You have to understand that Bill is
keeping the spirit of the web alive by bringing
happiness and joy. |
| Ian: |
Yeah. And Bill, you need to remember that if it
weren't for Peter, web applications wouldn't even exist! |
| Bill: |
You're right kids. I'm sorry Peter. |
| Peter: |
No, no. It's me who should be sorry. I've been a
right bastard. I'm sorry Gates. |
| Bill: |
Thank you boys. |
| Peter: |
Yeah, thank you boys. Come on, Gates, I'll buy you
an Orange Smoothie. |
| Bill: |
oooo! |
| Joe: |
*whew* That sucked. |
| Ian: |
Yeah, but just think. Today we actually met--we
actually spoke--to _the_ Brian Boitano. |
| Joe: |
Yeah. And you know? I think I learned something
today, it doesn't matter if you use Unix or Windows or
OS/2 or a Macintosh. The web still is about one very
important thing: |
| Heimbaugh: |
Yeah, porn. |
| Joe: |
No not porn, you bald fuck! |
| Heimbaugh: |
Fuck you! |
| Joe: |
The web is about something much more important. |
| Ian: |
What? |
| Joe: |
Legends. |
| Ian: |
Ah. |
| Joe: |
Don't you see, Ian? Legends. |
| Ian: |
Hey man, if you're Canadian you get lots more cookies for two-fifty! |
| Joe: |
Wow, really? Count me in. |
| Heimbaugh: |
Yeah, I'll be a Canadian too. |
| Kids: |
[leaving] |
| |
"O, Canada" |
| |
[Sign: "Le Fin/The End, eh?". Rats with antlers
eat the freezing corpse of Terry. Blackout.] |
