Astonishing Antipodean Antics

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Mutant Marsupials

True: Drop Bears make many Aussies nervous.

SUMMARY OF LEGEND: Descriptions vary as to the precise nature of Drop Bears - are they a cross between a Tasmanian Devil and a Koala, or a Koala and a Funnelweb, or a Koala and a Bat? As all attacks are invariably fatal, descriptions have only come from the hysterical too-late-in-arriving witnesses to the sudden attacks.

However, it is agreed that they lie in wait high up in gum trees for unwary prey wandering through the bush below and fall upon them viciously, leaving no remains but pathetic ribbons of flesh. They are renowned as ruthless bloodthirsty killers although they are allegedly rare now due to heavy hunting for their magnificent fur hides.

Drop bears are the real reason that Aussies wear those big bush hats - especially at night. You can't be too careful. Thankfully drop bears have very poor eyesight, so tourists wearing baseball caps have - in profile - an irresistible resemblance to kangaroos (the myopic drop bears' natural prey) and thus overwhelmingly more tourists than locals meet their end via the drop bears' claws and fangs. The Government, fearing for the stability of our tourist industry, has tried to cover up these attacks by describing them as the work of prosaic human serial killers, but dedicated whistleblowers are now making the startling truth known to the world.

Despite the legendary beauty of their fur, no unequivocal example of this species has ever been presented for biological study. Perhaps they are hiding out with the bunyips, yowies and honest second-hand car dealers.

ANALYSIS: This tale is school scarelore, passed down to the younger kids on their first excursion or overnight camp into the bush. Ideally told around a campfire as it is growing dark, but sometimes told on the bus in the hope that the littlies will refuse in a hysterical body to leave the safety of the vehicle, thus providing bonus points for annoying the teachers too.

Once the littlies are in the bush, the conflict between the advice to look up to watch out for drop bears and to look down to watch out for venomous snakes makes their little heads oscillate in a most amusing fashion (to a twelve year old at least). The side effect that this keeps the kids too occupied to run off and get into mischief has not been overlooked by the many teachers who vector this legend.