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From: dennyzen@delphi.com
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
Subject: Why Great Britain Failed: A Review
Date: Fri, 23 Sep 94 14:14:16 -0500

Why Great Britain Failed

by John F. Kennedy, IV

Like his ancestors before him: John F. Kennedy ("Why England Slept"), John F. Kennedy, Jr. ("Why England Took Forty Winks"), and John F. Kennedy, III ("Why England Dozed at Table"), John F. Kennedy, IV exhibits a talent for provocative rhetoric equalled only by his talent for bedding bodacious beauties. This is all the more remarkable for his not yet having been conceived. No matter. JFK4, as he is known to his friends, follows in worthy footsteps, even as a gamete.

"Why Great Britain Failed" explores the question of how a mighty Empire could, in the space of less than two hundred years, become a nation of passive, small-winkied men and sexually-agressive yet unfulfilled women who choose to become Prime Minister rather than breastfeed.

Taking a cue from twentieth-century research which hints that the fall of the Roman Empire came about because of lead poisoning from the plumbing, JFK4 asks whether the conspicuous overconsumption of "creamy ales" was the root cause of this sad decline of a once-great Commonwealth.

As evidence for this decline, JFK4 lists some thought-provoking items:

1. ROYAL DNA DAMAGE -- The lineage of William the Conqueror and Richard the Lion Hearted is now reduced to Charles "I-Wanna-be-your-Knickers."
2. DISAPPEARING MARQUES -- JFK4 goes from dealer to dealer, trying to buy, new, an MG, an Alvis, a BSA Super Rocket, an AJS, an Ariel Square Four. He is sneeringly rebuffed at every turn. Only the grotesquely unstylish Rolls, the frumpy Jaguar, and the Romanian-designed Lotus remain.
3. EMIGRATING BRAINTRUST -- Official records document the emigration from the UK to the USA or Canada of "any Brit with a troy ounce of common sense." Customs journals show that those who choose not to emigrate at least visit on a regular basis, often marrying an American or Canadian in order to make these frequent visits socially acceptable to their Peers.
4. THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED -- The Liverpool music explosion of the sixties is shown to have been an aberration caused by cosmic rays. Its like has not recurred, and, in any case, the talented Lennon emigrated soon after.
5. ACCEPTANCE OF TERRORISM -- As their empire became increasingly flaccid, the British were beseiged regularly by foreign terrorism. Lacking the will or the means to combat it, the ever-proud British adopted the acceptance of terrorism as a national fetish. Where once British men had regaled each other with tales of sexual conquest, they now shared stories of having "heard such-and-such a bomb blast" at a certain distance, the closer the better.
6. A VIRTUE OF SELF-DESTRUCTION -- British men, ignored and pityed by their womenfolk, adopted increasingly self-destructive behaviors, including overindulgence in alcohol, tobacco, fatty foods, and smug self-delusion. These habits further reduced the ambient testosterone levels, which further reduced the actual (as opposed to imaginary) sexual performance levels, and so on, in an ever downward spiral.

This last point is one where this reviewer must part ways with Mr. Kennedy. His argument that Great Britain tried to lose World War II so that both the British men and their women could be "spanked regularly by a race of large sadistic blondes" is largely unsupported except by lurid photos. It is much more likely that this desire to be invaded by Germany had to do with the average Briton's distaste for his local "food." But these disputations are moot, since the arrival of troops from Canada and the US overcame anything Montgomery could do to foul things up.

In his concluding chapters, JFK4 presents a ten-point plan for restoring the Island Empire to something reminiscient of its former glory. But, in spite of having been well bribed by the Kennedy minions, this reviewer remains skeptical that "a healthy vegetable diet, lots of Pepsi Cola, and regular visits to the orthodontist" is a viable recovery strategy. Instead, we eagerly await the seminal ideas of John F. Kennedy, V, in his soon-to-be-published work "Why England Wet the Bed."