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From: dennyzen@delphi.com
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
Subject: There are MANY Authors on AFU!
Date: Sat, 13 Aug 94 15:16:42 -0500

                      AFU Inc
             1 AFU Plaza, 123rd Floor
             New York, NY 10000-0001
                  August 13, 1994

Office of the Quondam Vice President

Dear Employee Patron of the AFU Arts:

I am shocked, do you hear, *shocked* to learn that many of you whom we pay dearly every two weeks (more or less) know not the extent of authorship exhibited by our AFU staff, much less how to obtain these opi magnae. Why just beneath this very office, on the 117th Floor of The AFU Plaza Bauhaus Monolith complex, there is a complete library, bookstore, and wholesale sex toys outlet which offers substantial employee discounts to all comers. But I digress.

Much as we must applaud the manly vigor with which Messers Shirky and Linden have recently graced the many shelves of Barnes and Ignoble stores everywhere, yet also must we acknowledge the efforts of a no less worthy cadre of AFUians whose works have perhaps gathered a dust mote or two in recent weeks. "Out of print, out of mind," they say. But then again, what do *they* know?

Herewith is a sample of readily-available wordsmithing from the mighty pens of our most brilliant craftsmen^H^H^Hpersons. Buy them! Read them! Savor them! Recycle them! Your mind will thank you for it.

Have a nice week and always use a quondam.

Oh, and remember to TURN IN YOUR TIMESHEETS!

Thomas R. <name on file>

(attachment)

Chilton's Guide to Repairing Englische
by Cindy Kandolf, Certified Language Mechanic

3-23246778-8-13 (Voordsveggen Gmbh; Oslo, 1988)

This fully-illustrated how-to-do-it book shows you how to perform every language maintenance chore, from changing your adverb's oil to completely overhauling a 1937 Paragraph. If you've ever wondered what goes on beneath the hood of a sleek racing sentence, then be prepared to "get greasy with Cindy." Note: Tools not included. (illus. 927 pp).

Winning Friends Through the Art of Negotiation by Joel H. Furr

7-9021044-369-1 (Hardcourt, Brace; Raleigh, 1983)

Easy-going, smooth-talking Joel Furr teaches you the seventeen simple strategies which make people feel like winners, while you get what you want. This book is chock-full of feel-good advice tips guaranteed to make those who use them heros in their own time. Here's a book that makes a great coffee table book, or a gift for someone you'd like to impress, or a handy weapon for murdering the family dog. (illus. 320 pp)

Sun on the Foreskin:
My Life as a Teer-Knee
by Derek Tearne

9-543222-77-12-1 (Down Under Books; Sidney, 1990)

Judging by this sometimes moving, sometimes heart-rending tale of growing up as a fair-skinned white boy amoung the Teer-knee aborigines of Australia, Derek has lived enough to fill three or four lives already. The list of strange foods that Derek has not eaten fills three chapters by itself. His near-capture by the tip-takers of Borneo will have you on the edge of your seat! His unfulfilled love for the exotic American Bitchgoddess who one day drops into his life but soon departs will have you crying in your Foster's. Take this book to bed with you -- if you dare. (1233 pp)

The Descenders
by James W. Parry

7-7-7-7 (Amalgamated Typographers, Boston, 1989)

The Descenders is a lusty, gutsy, brawling novel of striking power and amazing scope -- an epic sojourn surely the equal of Gone With the Boldface, The Dingbat Portfolio, and Presstype! As do few other authors who deal with the newly-popular topic of sex, love and death among letters of the alphabet, Mr. Parry has the skill to give just the right note of realism to his characters. Few readers of this book will ever forget the evil machinations of Dark Italic Upper Case I, or the tragic ending of Drop Shadow K. Put this book next to your dic. (28 pp)

I'm Okay, You Suck!
by "Another Newbie"

3-27-42-Hike! (George Putputnam & Co.; New York, 1993)

The anonymous adventures of a Usenet newbie who one day blunders into the controlled substance abuse that goes by the name of "alt.folklore.urban". At first blissfully clueless about the nature of Internet intercourse, happily immune to AFU aculturation and yet boastful about it, our hero steps on as many toes as possible while making himself (or, is it *herself*?) look like a complete ass. But just as it looks to be time for Doctor Kevorkian to arrive, "Another Newbie" does an about face. Suddenly realizing the essential "Usenet Truth" (see page 293), "Newbie" unearths a new UL, researches its authenticity, proves that both snopes and PvdL are mistaken about something, reveals Peter Plantec's true identity, and is video-taped in an XXX-rated manage-a-trois with Barbara and Kim, thus winning The Nobel Prize, an Oscar, a Pulitzer and a Wurlitzer. A fun read, but oh-so-trite. Haven't we had enough "newbie strikes gold" fantasy already? (294 pp).

Unified W.C. Fields' Theory and
Other Mysteries of The Universe Explained by Tom Cikoski

50-5050505050-50-50 (Wiley Coyote & Sons, Danbury, 1992)

"What's all the fuss?" asks this brilliant 50-year old neorenaissance man in his most recent work. Having in past efforts made clear the principals of aethetics ("ART, ART!", 1955), science ("Why Pee Wets Your Pants", 1957), religion ("God Good!", 1958), politics ("Nixon Bad!", 1967), and technology ("If It Don't Work, Try Plugging It In!", 1971), Professor Cikoski now turns his sights to mathematics, physics, astronomy and cosmology. The result is the long-awaited set of proofs that "everything is related to everything else, if not by blood, then by marriage." Impatient with the slow pace of work under Einstein, Feynmann, and "that creepy little Brit in the motorchair," Cikoski decided to attack the wave/quantom problem in an entirely new way. How he found the final answer in the Austin City Subway, and what that has to do with the price of Bombay Saphire and what is the best coach seat on a TWA 727 is the subject of this fascinating ouvre. (3-sided CDROM)

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" -- Hey! Why no mention of "Cheese: The Perfect Food?"