The AFU and Urban Legend Archive
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 perils of orangello




Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
From: xexrrain@wackydoo.DIALix.oz.au (Myles Paulson)
Date: Sat, 16 Dec 1995 19:01:49 GMT
Subject: THE ORDEALS OF ORANGELLA (annotated, with forward)

PRELUDE

Be warned before reading further. This is a reposting of the saga of the Ordeals of Orangella.

The story is the same, and I am reposting it because the first time I inadvertently formatted the text with margins too wide, so that it appeared with that ugly wrap-around effect. The result was a significant disincentive for people to read it, especially for a piece as long as this one. Many of those who did persevere, and saw some little merit in it, were kind enough to encourage me to resubmit my Orangella in a less forbidding garb. This, I have been so bold as to do, though I fear that those who saw naught in this parable but a unsolicited trifle, will scarce be fonder of her on this second outing, different margins or no.

I have taken this opportunity to annotate the piece, that if Providence should find a place in the heart of a wider public for my Lady, and she should so outlive the topical clamour of the fables that attended her birth, that the reader of some future time will not then fall into confusion as to the meaning of the whole, and lose hope withal.

To this end, I have employed the following stratagem as described in the Legend below, as a Legend of legends, so to speak, if the patient reader will suffer me this one last witticism.

* refers to an urban legend, whose details are not given because their currency is such as to be self-explanatory.

Numbered footnotes (eg *1*, *2*, refer to urban legends, whose details are briefly explained at the end of the story.

THE ORDEALS OF ORANGELLA

When she awoke that morning she knew the time had come to leave town. Her brother had committed suicide by dint of loading a shotgun with the intention that his father would fire it to kill his stepmother and then jumping from the roof only to be killed by the blast of the shotgun as he passed the window.*1* Orangella*2* was drawing diagrams trying to make sense of it all. How could it be true? Suicide. From the *ground* floor (or storey) at that. And now the rat had eaten her baby brother's face.* Again. Absent-mindedly she sipped at her warm Diet Coke, noticing the baby's tooth at the bottom of the glass.*3* Well, she shouldn't complain, she thought, Coke *was* picking up the tab (and she excused herself the pun) for her dialysis treatment.*4*

Jobs were hard to find, but as a transvestite*5* Mormon*6* with Tourette's syndrome and colour-blindness*7*, she was an affirmative action board's prayer come true. One extra position and the firm filled a dozen quotas. They had overlooked the minor problem of her rainbowcoloured urine*8*, and given her the head job. She had responded in kind, and would have infected everyone with HIV except that she was HIV- and you can't get it this way.*9*

A new job. She was so excited. Animal handler for the new zoo in Arizona.
And her first assignment? Taking the green polar bear*, the green kitten*, the green camel*, the peanut butter-eating german shepherd*10*, several misunderstand rattlesnakes with an aversion to tattoos*11*, and an anaesthetised mandy mouse*12* to the zoo, by plane.

Later that afternoon, they were airborne. She was quietly watching some porn on Sesame street*13* when the hostess approached to take the lunch orders, "Monkey brains,*14*", the hostess drawled in a bored voice, "Cow penis burger*15*, with or without fine blue Maytag cheese*16*, sweet and sour placenta*17*, or chicken with fresh puss?*18*"

Orangella considered the monkey brains, but they *were* frozen, not live, this being economy class. "Just a slice of spam*", said Orangella, "and you can put it on that piece of toast between your legs*."

For dessert, Orangella settled for some Red Velvet cake*19*, with some kiwi fruit from the Garden of Eden*20*. "Do you have some snow to go with that?", asked Orangella politely.

"Sure", said the hostess, "We have a hundred different kinds, but you'll have to point to the picture of the one you want on this guide, because we only have one word for snow in English*21*. By the way, this is a nonsmoking cabin, so could you please extinguish that clove cigarette.*22*"

Orangella was quietly enjoying her meal, when suddenly she felt the urgent need to go to the toilet. She walked down the aisle, past Mr and Mrs Gorsky, who were discretely having oral sex*23*, Richard Gere with a pet gerbil*24*, and a detective who had Princess Dianna in custody sitting next to him. "Poor dear", thought Orangella, "probably being extradited for treason*25*, or using a mobile phone from a plane in flight*26* to make nuisance calls. Maybe that's why she has that Hannibal Lector type mouth-guard with the Royal crest on it. I wonder if she'll be hanged or beheaded or made to exercise in a gym while doing interviews and being photographed to death".

Further down the aisle, she heard some Welsh oaf say "Moo"*27* to a regal looking lady sitting alongside him. "How dare you", she replied in perfect English. "Any DNA test will show that I am not a cow, even if they do not show that I am in fact Princess Anastasia.* You should be hanged, and on a Friday."*28*

The journey to the toilet was short but Orangella was quite exhausted by these laboured exchanges, so it was with some gratitude that she lowered her panties and slumped onto the bowl. Instantly, she felt a suction that threatened to eviscerate her.*29* "Help!", she screamed. "HELP!!" Then she felt a prong on her buttock. With one last effort, she dragged herself clear. A deafening POP resounded through the plane as Orangella's bottom released itself from the grip of the murderous toilet.

Hitching her panties, she looked back. From the bowl rose a terrible apparition, a man in SCUBA gear, complete with goggles, covered in shit.*30* "Help!", screamed Orangella, "HELP! HELLP!!! It's a PREVERT!!!"

She ran back through the aisle followed by the prevert. "Nobody move!", he ordered, "I'm armed!", and he raised his spear-gun. The passengers gasped as they saw the deadly weapon, tipped with an ice dildo. "So let's see you put a big F next to this in your FAQ!"*, and so saying he pulled the trigger, sending the ice dildo*31* speeding towards the detective, who was really an old hat in disguise.

Without thinking, Orangella lowered her panties (again!), and let fly her secret weapon. A frozen hot dog*32* sped towards the dildo, smashing it to smithereens an instant before it reached its target - the place where the heart would have been had the old hat had one. "Boo!", chorused the passengers. Encouraged by their support, the shit-covered prevert loaded another ice dildo into the spear gun. Taking deliberate aim, he fired for a second time. "Put *this* in your sig. file!".

Orangella swivelled her hips and returned fire. This time only a ping pong ball *33*emerged from her vagina. Her aim was good, but it only deflected the dildo, and sent it crashing into the bulkhead. Instantly, the plane began to depressurise, and plummet nose-first towards the ground.

"We're doomed", said the cheerleader's mother*34*. "Either we'll asphyxiate in a vacuum, or our lungs will haemorrhage, or we'll all get a big nose-bleed"*35*.

"Oh, you won't have to worry about asphyxiation if we hit the ground at 200 miles per hour", chimed in the hostess sweetly, "Hard surfaces aren't like that."

"Oh God, you have something of a dark sense of humour", intoned Craig Sherwood*36*, rolling his eyes upward, and kissing his Santa on a crucifix.*37*

"I take back that bit about Sympathy for the Devil", muttered Mick Jagger, biting off another piece off his tongue*38* as the plane lurched out of control. "Geez, if this happens again, I won't be able to lick my eyebrows"

"Get the parachutes and jump", yelled Santa Claus*39*. Only a handful of passengers managed to get into their harnesses and jump from the stricken plane. Orangella was one of them. In freefall, she shouted advice. "Don't breathe through your mouth, breathe through your skin".*40*

"I can't", sobbed the poor lady from the Goldfinger film*41*, plummeting alongside Orangella. "And neither can I", sobbed the Tin Man, who was covered in aluminium.* The next few seconds were a blur, as Orangella pulled her ripcord and began to sink slowly to the ground, in a clockwise motion caused by the Coriolis effect*. Meanwhile, back on the plane, the pilot, for the benefit of recording his last words for the black box flight recorder, screamed "Texas is apart from Alaska, pretty big, and apart from Hawaii, the only state to be a nation*. Shit*41*!!". Tipping the craft's wings in a sassy salute to fate, he bulldozed the jet straight into the ground in a copybook "controlled flight into terrain"*42*, that would have done his old flight instructor proud.

When Orangella came to she was lying in a field. "Where am I", she moaned, "if it's Arizona, give me a reefer, it's legal here*" Slowly, she sat up, and surveyed the tragic scene. An apostate catholic raised her arms, both severed from the elbow*43*, towards Orangella. "I've found my faith" she said, smiling. "My nose is itchy".

Craig Sherwood said "I'm alive, thank God. I'm going to donate my stamp collection to charity".

Another woman whispered to her fiancee, "I'm sorry I cheated on you with the best man, you were right to show everyone those photos, now forgive me before I die"*44*.
"I forgive you, darling Marsha, and those aren't your brains all over your hairdo, that's biscuit dough*45*, which admittedly is almost the same thing. Let's make up while the plane burns in the background."

From amongst the groans of the survivors could be heard the most pathetic of them all. The woman who lay there had burns to 80% of her body. "Now I'm charred on the outside as well as the inside", she sobbed*46*. It was the Fried Prom woman, the first human being to be microwaved *and* conventionally fried.

The police and the coroner were on the spot within hours. "Wait a second," said the sharp-eyed coroner, "Don't touch those bodies". The ambulance paramedics put down their stretchers and lit cigarettes. "There's something odd here," he frowned, stepping over bodies. "This man here", he pointed out a silent body on the ground to his rookie offsider, "What do you make of that, Kowalski?"

"Well", said the affable Polish stereotype, "I guess when he hit the ground at 200 miles an hour, his kidneys and eyeballs got kind of ... dislodged."

"Yeah," said the coroner, "That's what they'd like you to believe. Or maybe we've got another organ kidnapper on our hands*. That man was killed for his eyes and kidneys and brought here to make it look like an accident. Kowalski, how many passengers travel by air in a swim suit?"

Kowalski had no answer. The coroner went on, raising his voice above the cries of the dying, "And these dead cows, what do you make of them?"

Kowalski looked pensively at the carcasses for several long minutes. "Well, I guess when the plane crashed, they got stunned, and then vampires came and just well, just started to suck..."*

"I don't think so", said the coroner, there's almost 300 head of cattle here, which is a lot for a desert in the middle of Arizona. I smell an insurance scam, and I think that these farmers lurking behind those rocks know more about this than they care to let on."

Police took pictures of bodies for audotopsy purposes, and to send to the net*47*. Old Nova's*48* with their headlights turned on in the glaring sunshine*49* of the desert arrived and parked nearby. Orangella was lifted into one along with other wounded. The driver turned the key, and swore as the car refused to start. "Hell these rotary engines*50* were never any use. Anyone got a defibrillator?"*51*

Conclusion.

Orangella recovered from her injuries, and saw the opening of "The zoo without bars", the most modern and humane zoo in the world. It was totally run by computers, and had glass walls instead of cages for the animals.

A few months passed and one day, a terrible calamity occurred. The animals escaped. Can the gentle reader guess why?

The answer: because some thieves stole the microchips from the computers which ran the zoo*52*. What? You thought it was because... because the GLASS ... MELTED ?!

HOW MANY FREAKING TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU.?!?

**G L A S S** DOES NOT FREAKING MELT!*

EXPLANATORY NOTES

*1* Coroner determines suicide as cause of death of man who attempted to kill his stepmother by indirect means, because the bullet intended for her kills him instead. Hypothetical legal puzzle.

*2* Some people in USA give their children very odd names, often without realising what they really mean.

*3* Diet Coke (without sugar) will dissolve teeth placed in solution.

*4* Coca-Cola pays for some people's dialysis treatment

*5* Transvestite infects soldiers in barracks with HIV through oral sex

*6* Ongoing curiosity about Mormons. Is Polygamy still allowed? If they can't drink tea or coffee, can they take them as suppository?

*7* Colour-blind people can see through camouflage, and were employed for that purpose by military.

*8* Various substances colour urine and can be slipped into someone's food to make them believe they have terrible diseases.

*9* Never-ending discussion of how you can and cannot contract HIV

*10* Woman smears peanut-butter on vagina, gets dog to lick it off

*11* Rattlesnakes will rarely attack unless provoked by hoodlums, so that young drunks with tattoos are disproportionately represented, whilst women are rarely victims

*12* Mandy the Mighty Mouse is, in real life, a failed Texan cheerleader and college student, the abundance of whose posts is matched by their peerless inanity. Now becoming a legend and mascot in her own right.

*13* Network mistakes have led to porn accidentally being shown on children's shows, etc.

*14* Some traditional Chinese trepan monkeys' skulls, and eat the brain while the monkey is still alive.

*15* Macdonalds, and other hamburger joints, include the penises of cattle in the meat they use. Solecism "cow penis" now entrenched AFU joke.

*16* Cult rumoured to be sexual permissive also produce a controversial cheese.

*17* Eating placenta is good for mother. New age types have special recipes etc

*18* Fast food places have served chicken with what looked like mayonnaise but was something far more objectionable.

*19* Cake recipe has so much artificial food colouring it turns both stool and urine vivid colours. Posters dare each other to create and devour this monster, or claim to have already done so.

*20* What was the fruit that Adam and Eve ate? Aukland Festival of Missions is quite adamant.

*21* Eskimos have many words for snow.

*22* Clove cigarettes will burn your lungs.

*23* Mrs Gorsky promised her husband oral sex when that "little boy next door" (Neil Armstrong), walked on moon. Neil allegedly says "Good luck Mr Gorsky" shortly after his "Small step" speech.

*24* Unsavoury, unlikely and banal story of small animals and the orifices of celebrities.

*25* Princess Diana andor her lover could be guilty of treason, and theoretically could be executed by many methods not often deployed these days.

*26* Mobile phones, CDs etc can cause planes to crash.

*27* Travellers in remote country find that the most unlikely people happen to be fluent in their language, and overhear unflattering remarks made about them.

*28* Theoretically, Welshmen can be executed on Fridays for many offences that would only attract a caution at other times

*29* Suction of airplane toilet eviscerates passenger.

*30* Scuba-attired pervert (prevert) hides down toilets to see what most people will never see.

*31* You can make a novelty dildo with ice, perhaps by freezing water in a toilet roll mold (derder), and the freezing effect is, according to Amanda, a potent aphrodisiac.

*32* After unusual foreplay, woman taken to hospital to have frozen hot-dog removed. An American love story.

*33* Women can fire ping-pong balls and do many other unlikely things with their vaginas.

*34* Reference to universally fascinating and true story of cheerleader's mother who took out contract on her daughter's rival's mother.

*35* What happens when you get thrown into a vacuum. Do you asphyxiate or die in an explosion of undifferentiated gore?

*36* Craig Sherwood is, in real life, a boy who had leukemia, and after a request, was sent at least 30 million get well cards. And he did.

*37* In some exotic non-Christian locales, the image of Santa on a crucifix, sometimes made of chocolate, has been seen.

*38* Mick Jagger, when he was young, bit off piece of his tongue during a basketball game, and this has had some effect on his singing.

*39* Santa Claus's red costume was originally a Coke advertising idea.

*40* Parachutists are advised not to breathe as they freefall.

*41* The actress who played the sexy lady killed by Goldfinger in the eponymous film by being painted all over with gold paint, really died that way during the making of the film. If true, this would be a surprising lack of foresight on behalf of the producers. Recent interviews with the actress in question (now retired) have done little to quell debate on her demise.

*42* A high percentage of tapes from black box recorders recovered from crashed planes have the word "Shit!" on them. If there is a pathos of high technology, here it is.

*43* Girl who said she would never raise her arms in prayer again has them severed in accident, and consequently finds her faith again. As with Dante, irony and symmetry turn our natural horror into a frisson of sadistic appreciation.

*44* Groom at wedding waits till last moment before walking out of ceremony, leaving sexually explicit photographs of fiancee and best man to be seen by all guests.

*45* Can of biscuit dough explodes in car and covers woman's head in goo, leading her to think that she has been shot and her brains splattered. New York and Sarejevo main sources for this story.

*46* Woman who goes to solarium too many times is gradually microwaved to death, dying from internal injuries. Our sympathy is more than matched by contempt for her vanity

*47* Curt Kobain's audotopsy (sic) pictures on net. Are they real?

*48* Car "Nova" didn't sell well in Spanish-speaking places because nova means "won't go". On-going linguistic debate in which nobody who can speak Spanish has contributed

*49* Is driving with headlights on during the day a valid safety measure?

*50* What are, and whatever happened to, rotary car engines?

*51* People have tried to start cars with defibrillators (medical equipment used to jump-start human hearts), with bad results.

*52* Thieves steal microchips from computer hardware.

Myles (I have Myles to go before I sleep) Paulson

Myles Paulson
xexrrain@wackydoo.dialix.oz.au


http://tafkac.org/