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From: dot@panix.com (Dorothy Parker)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
Subject: AFU NYC Report
Date: 19 Jul 1994 08:36:31 -0400

"Our memories of yesterday will last a lifetime"

• Styx

ULfb: There is a stereo system so expensive that it refuses to play

*anything* by Styx.
ULt: Kim would gladly pay top dollar for one.

The good news? Joel Furr didn't make it. The bad news? Neither did Kevin T. Keith

Who *did* attend? Well, you could say the whole sordid affair began at Penn Station, when Kim Scheinberg found David Lesher leaning against a wall, toothbrush in hand, postcard being used to mark the page of his copy of 'The Choking Doberman.'

"Lead us not into Penn Station!" she cried, as they boarded the A train downtown towards Washington Square Park.

Talk was of potential attendees, Amtrak's alarming punctuality, and the prospects of viewing photos of darling Isabelle.

They deposited their belongings at her den of iniquity and headed over to Washington Square Park to await the other guests.

First to arrive was Tom O'Donnell, looking every bit the dashing Lehman man that he is. Shortly on his heels arrived Ny, giggling effusively while at the same time offering sincere apologies for Kevin's absence. As she described the trauma of getting parental permission to attend, they spied the unmistakable AFU banner approaching, being waved by none other than t...c Splinter himself! Kim scarcely had time to blink when Mike Czaplinski approached, waving at her as if they'd known each other for minutes!

No time was wasted as Splinter and Kim proceded to hang the AFU banner on the fence surrounding the famous Washington Square Arch (modeled after Paris' Arc de Triomphe). Splinter distributed the Shergold Newsletter. Then Kim revealed her stash.

The care package. The one Vicki sent. The one with... The Penguin

They didn't unwrap the Penguin. They merely ogled the photos Vicki had included, tracing Penguin's trek around the world. Kim looked dreamily at Derek's bass-playing fingers while Mike was caught stealing glances at Steve Caskey. All looked on worriedly when they saw the photo of Jason poised with the knife, but Kim was quick to point out that the Penguin was still intact in her pocket.

At that moment, Kim caught sight of Ewan, walking down Fifth Avenue. How do I know this? At that moment, like the ethereal Vanishing Hitchhiker, she looked... radiant. All eyes turned to see where she was looking. Ewan's pace quickened as he tried to make out the writing on the AFU banner. It was a true Kodak moment. But Splinter didn't take the picture.

Introductions were made and the photo op was prepared. The moment Vicki ^H^H^H^H^Heveryone had been waiting for... Ewan opened the package.

Oooohs and aaaahs all around! A delighted smile on Ewan's face! Tom clicked furiously, snapping photos left and right! The excitement was palpable! All were imagining little Isabelle, cooing that sound Len so poignantly described, as she first spied that Penguin of 20,000 miles.

All were prepared to be off for the first drink when someone pointed out that Clay Shirky had not yet arrived. Ny tried to hide her blushing as she insisted that they wait for the Man. Kim tried to drag the others off, insisting that anyone fifteen minutes late deserved what they got, but the others refused to budge. The watch started.

Kim chose that moment to point out a favorite Washington Square Arch UL. On the west side of the arch is a door, locked from the outside with a padlock. Kim spoke of Ted Frank^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hthe troll that allegedly lives inside. Ewan walked to the other side of the arch to look for a matching door. He found nothing. Perhaps, like the ghosts in Shirley Jackson's 'House on Haunted Hill', whatever walks there walks alone.

It was at the moment that Clay arrived.

Kim may have gotten in the first hug, but it was clear that it would be Ewan who would be most impressed with Clay. Ewan could not take his eyes of Clay's head, immediately noting that he felt a mixture of horror and delight in finding someone with hair shorter than his own.

While Clay was delighted to meet Ewan, he obviously had other business on his mind. Intros were made, but Clay was listening for one name. As he was finally introduced to David Lesher, he pointed to his bag and said "You're not leaving until your .sig is in here." Kim pointed out that she, too, had made a similar remark. (It was much later that Ewan would say that he didn't understand the .sig, never having seen Mr. Ed) It was agreed. Dick "I Am Not Ray" Depew would be retromoderating AFU, looking for sightings of the Lesher .sig

Onward to the West 4th Street Saloon where drinks and munchies were ordered. Guinness for Ewan. A virgin Pina Colada for Ny (which Clay, in his ardor, managed to spike in the hopes of getting her drunk), 7Up for Kim, who would have to lead the way to John's Pizza for dinner, and beers for the others.

Talk turned to all the usual subjects. Kim's hat became the Speaker's Hat, defined as such because anyone wanting to interrupt was required to steal the hat from whomever was speaking. Needlessly to say, the hat made many passes around the table. Finishing a sentence was prohibited. ULs made the rounds, gossip abounded. The five eschatalogical truths (life, death, Heaven, Hell, and the importance of disk cache) were thoroughly hashed out. Ewan learned how craps works. The Ny Martingale system was born.

Onward and upward! Clay deserted the others to have dinner with his fictitious parents and Kim walked him to the subway. Upon her return, she discovered she had had dinner with the Vanishing AFU'ers as they had all miraculously disppeared! Unfortunately, like those boomerangs of death, all returned and she led them to John's pizza.

Ingredients were negotiated, pizzas ordered, more beer to drink. more food to consume. Ny spoke of her parents and Jamaica and the drug dealers at boarding school. David regaled them with tales of shipping coffee from Costa Rica. Tom O' spoke fondly of Lee Rudolph and his Clark days. Splinter spoke of older hats not amongst them. Mike talked of tech support days at ATT.

Ewan sat at center table, taking it all in, relaying conversations from one end of the table to the other, translating where necessary. The true Renaissance man, he seemed capable of following all conversations and, while the guest of honor, picked up any slack left by Kim in her role as hostess.

At various stages, the banner was passed to the guests whose deathless prose had not yet graced it. Ewan signed in short order. David took somewhat longer to compose his thoughts. Tom O' Donnell declined altogether, saying he needed more time to consider and would surely sign at the next AFU gathering.

Splinter was next to leave and the others filed outside to wait for Ny's parents to arrive in a red car. All looked out on Bleecker Street eagerly, scouting for the red car that might be Mom and Dad. At one point, Ewan decided the only appropriate course of action would be to fling himself in front of every passing vehicle, demanding to know if they were Ny's folks. Fortunately, Kim was sitll sober and explained to Ewan the finer points of New York drivers.

With Ny out of the way^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hsadly gone, all took off on a tour of New York shopping delights. First stop? Condomania. New York's finest in penis fashions. Let it be known, Len Berlind will soon be the proud owner of the definitive Old Hat of the 90's. From there, off to The Pink Pussycat, where Kim compared various flavors of edible underwear and Ewan blushed nine shades of inadequacy while eyeing the selection of penile substitutes. David, otoh, seemed very taken in by an inflatable red-head...

>From there they lost Mike and Tom O'. David, Ewan and Kim retreated to the
peace and quiet of the Cafe Reggio, home of New York's finest espresso. The evening wound down, checks were paid, goodbyes at long last were exchanged.

Worth noting: Ewan forgot the pictures of Isabelle. He has since promised to deliver them to Kim chez NYT where they will be scanned and put into Jason's capable hands at Cathouse.

When all was said and done, a good time was had by all. Not an evening with my friends at the Algonquin, to be sure, but a fine evening all the same.

Your narrator,

dorothy "do i make the archives with my first post?" parker

Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
From: wb8foz@netcom.com (David Lesher)
Subject: Re: AFU NYC Report
Date: Wed, 20 Jul 1994 12:51:23 GMT

I must protest the massive inaccuracies in the recent alleged "report" on AFU NYC.

First, I was not leaning on the wall -- it was far too filthy. (I used the trash container as it was much cleaner. All the garbage seemed to be on the floor...)

And the toothbrush was not in hand, rather it was being used to mark the page talking about the girl whose hat was stuck right before her blind date, so she went to the hatter to get it removed.......

The reporter also neglected to mention the Tshirt honoring Len, even if he did not grace us with his presence......

Next, as regards the Pink Pussy ^Hcat, it was the attire, and barcode tattoos, of the one employee that caught my eye.

But a good time WAS had by all. It was especially nice of Clay to vanish before dinner, as that way we could listen in awe to stories about him that one attendee offered up. Some of us are still shaken by them.......

David "if she was a real redhead, it must have been very painful..."