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The AFU and Urban Legend Archive AFU Guides frequently whimpered whines
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The AFU and Urban Legend Archive AFU Guides frequently whimpered whines
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Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
From: splinter@allink.com (tom cikoski)
Subject: The Official FWW List of AFU (long)
Archive-name: afu-fww
Last-Modified: 2 Dec 1993
Version: 1.00
Frequently Whimpered Whines (FWW) of AFU
There arise betimes in this forum complaints about how we denizens of AFU treat zygotes, planaria, newbies, holders of Delphi accounts and other primitive life forms which materialize among us.
These complaints range from simple outrage to downright naked befuddlement, but are generally characterized by a certain whining tone indicative of someone whose sense of self-importance has become a tad adipose through over-indulgence.
Rather than deal with these situations individually as they arise, the management of AFU has prepared this comprehensive document, companion to the FAQ and the Survival Guide, as yet one more tutorial on AFU culture to be ignored at peril by those chronically bereft of net.common.sense and proud of it to boot.
If the Survivor's Guide seems too obtuse and the FAQ too long, maybe the FWW will help to, as we say, "fill the ominous void."
0. I am not a "primitive life form" and I resent being called one.
We're quite sure that you are in fact one hell of a nice, responsible, thoughtful, caring individual. But this is Usenet. On Usenet, whimpering and self-pity in one's posts is symptomatic of net.primitives. Net.savants are aware that within Usenet there are a few tribal customs of which you may not be cognizant but should be.
Each of the more than 3,000 news groups had its own personality and culture. For any given group you have three choices as to how you will deal with that fact:
Whining about things you don't like in the group will only have negative effects on your future relations with it.
You are correct.
AFU is about amusement. It's about arcana. It's about entertainment. It's one big happy family. We hardly ever flame each other. We just shuck 'n' jibe all day long.
On rare occasions we encounter, post, and sometimes discuss a *real* urban legend. These discussions are summarized in our Holy FAQ so that we may ponder them during what Fitzgerald called "The dark night of the soul." True believers can quote reams of The FAQ from memory, and often do. At the drop of an old hat.
On even rarer occasions we provide a definitive, well-researched denouement to an urban legend. This also is put into The FAQ, and each of us then becomes one step closer to nirvana. The researcher's reward is being mentioned in the FAQ by name. It is the AFU crowning achievement.
There is another group, alt.folklore.info, which is moderated so as to focus on the folklore and minimize the tomfoolery. You might feel more comfortable over there if you dislike our attitude here.
2. AFU never gives a straight answer to a simple question.
That's not true. We have a rotating duty roster of AFU staff whose duty it is to be nice. Whoever had that role when you became miffed will hear about it at their next progress review, believe you me!
AFU is in the top 1/2 percent of Usenet groups in posting volume. It is a big task to keep up with even the interesting posts, let alone the balderdash and blather from the primitive life forms. Most AFU regulars just don't care to take the time to provide help on things better left for you to figure out for yourself. Think of it as paying your dues.
More on this topic below.
3. This place is a sewer. Its humor is juvenile ...
Oh, yes. Our own Grand Rebbe Shaman Herr Dr. van der Linden has named us "alt.sewer". It fits us like a glove.
... in fact it's like a bunch of frathouse punks sitting around swilling beer and thinking they're being hilarious.
Now you're catching on. In fact, one feature of AFU culture not often found in other news groups is the tendency of AFU to create real physical face-to-face situations so we can sit around swilling beer and thinking we're being hilarious in real time.
We then follow up these sessions by posting hilarious summaries of said sessions to the group. Sometimes we even resort to snail mail, so eager are we to parade our hilarity to the widest possible appreciative audience. Does that sound neato to you?
If not, maybe you should trundle off to sci.skeptic, where the badge of honor is to be an abusive anal-retentive self-styled paragon of science.
4. This group worships its FAQ.
In the name of the Terrys, the Phil, and the aB Meyers, Amen.
Or FAQ is not just a collection of questions, it is our Bible because it contains the master list of Urban Legends from which we all must get a monthly fix lest we succumb to LWS (Legend Withdrawal Syndrome).
5. All I did was put a smiley in my post.
Conventional AFU wisdom says that the funniest shows on telly have no laugh track. You just know when to laugh. The same must be true of AFU posts. So our dictum is:
"If your post a smiley needs,
Then Ray will lop your head into the weeds."
We value wit so highly that we make a fetish of it. Yours too must stand on its own merit. Ours too. Some of our wit stinks. So what? Sew cat's pajamas to make kitten britches is what.
Or maybe you're the sort of nincompoop who wears his shoes into a Japanese house, passes gas in front of the Queen, or offers a Bedouin his left hand to shake. Just because you want to.
"Emoticons not welcome" is our custom, mate. That's how we do it here. If you find that troublesome, perhaps you should try one of the groups dedicated to sweetness and light, like talk.bizarre.
6. Everybody in this group is a smartass.
Absolutely not true. You just didn't ask the right question or in the right way.
The typical AFU poster is knowledgable in many subjects and will be happy to give serious answers to serious questions about those areas. Said typical poster normally ignores the banal question about AFU culture. Thus, only the smartasses of the group are likely to pick on a post they think deserves it.
So? Why are *you* so thin skinned? Make a good smartass remark right back and we'll all have a laugh. Pissing and moaning about it only makes you look the more of a stuffed shirt.
7. There's nothing but "in group" jokes.
Yeah, we're a social organization. We send email and presents and stuff to each other. Why shouldn't we have in jokes? You family does too, we'd guess. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure the in jokes out. Just some patience.
But, if you're really impatient, try emailing your request to one of the regular posters. Only a few are so heartless that they'd flame you for that. They might, however, be too busy to give an answer. Most will be happy for the chance to a) show off, b) interrupt their otherwise humdrum existence. Only one or two will bill you.
So, you should either put up with the frat punk repartee, chill out & quip back, or buzz off to talk.origins, where every opinion is openly welcomed and embraced and all forms of muddleheadedness are warmly tolerated.
8. And then, there's this "trolling" b*llsh*t!
Haven't you noticed the rampant pomposity in some news groups?
We have. And we like to skewer it. In order to skewer it, as with a fishing gaff, we first must lure the fish. We lure our fish by posting concoctions of blatant falsehoods with an occasional bit of truth buried in the bait. The fish rise to the bait with the smug assurance of setting us straight, once and for all.
So sometimes we don't catch a pompous ass grouper, but merely an innocent guppy. So what? We think of that as helping out with the process of natural selection.
Hey, it's all in fun. Yes, some of us do mount trophy heads on the wall. But nothing like people who bait in rec.pets.cats with dead kitten jokes. We're not evil, just acerbic.
9. I'm not sold on this group yet
Fine, and we're not trying to sell you on it. From time to time the debate over our own antics does surface in AFU and the regulars hash it out. Are we or are we not more flip than we should be, given our Holy Purpose?
But usually, somewhere in the midst of the debate, someone throws in a grand quip, and off we go again. Yoiks!
So take us, warts and all, or leave us. Preferably alone.
Ta ta for now.
Yr Ob'd'n't S'v't,
t "hugs and kisses" c -- ( )_( ) __________ splinter@allink.com ____________ \. ./ :just another middle-aged mutant Zen rat: __=.=__ - aka: DENNYZEN@delphi.com - "
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban From: splinter@allink.com (tom cikoski) Subject: Why be on AFU? (Pt 10 of the FWW) Summary: why you should want to be a denizen of AFU Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1993 15:12:49 GMT
This is an addition to the recently-published FWW (Frequently Whimpered Whinings) List of AFU. Please treat it with the respect that it deserves.
10. What's so special about being a denizen of AFU?
By now you should have gotten our new member kit, which includes the application form, security clearance forms, and promotional materials. But it has been a year of "rightsizing" here at AFU, so maybe our rightsized staff has not yet gotten around to you just yet. So here's a quick summary of AFU denizen benefits.
How could you not want all this, AND MORE? So, why not stop all this bellyaching, pick up that phone RIGHT NOW and call 1-900-AFU-ISOK. $26.00 for the first minute and $26.00 for each additional minute. Kids, get your parents' permission. Our operators are lying around waiting for your call.
Ta ta for now.
Yr Ob'd'n't S'v't,
t "hugs and kisses" c -- ( )_( ) __________ splinter@allink.com ____________ \. ./ :just another middle-aged mutant Zen rat: __=.=__ - aka: DENNYZEN@delphi.com - "
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