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The AFU and Urban Legend Archive AFU Guides afu newbie doo
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The AFU and Urban Legend Archive AFU Guides afu newbie doo
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Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
From: abw@dsbc.icl.co.uk (Andy Wardley)
Subject: AFU NEWBIE-DO: The battle for September begins here...
Date: Fri, 26 Aug 1994 11:08:08 GMT
By some strange dint of fortune I've managed to pretty much completely miss three out of the last four Septembers on the net due to fate dealing me a hand that included spurious net access and strange educational commitements
As a result, I've been muchly spared the great dints of the tom-newbieness that goes hand in hand with AFU and September. Feeling mightily pleased, but somewhat guilty that I haven't done my bit, I've prepared this little newbie prep kit to at least *try* to keep them on the straight and narrow.
It aims to goad, teach and reprimand all in one go and hints at just enough of the innermost AFU secrets so that we're justified in shouting "WE'VE ALREADY GIVEN YOU ENOUGH OF A CLUE YOU LITTLE BLIGHTER" at the tykes.
I've called it the "AFU Newbie-Doo" because it's what they should. Hanna Barbara have so far shown no interest in buying the rights, probably because I insisted that we made the casting decisions (I thought PvdL as "sensible-and-never-scared" Fred, Cindy as "homely" Thelma, Len as "bimbo" Daphnie - the choice between Kim and Babs was too difficult - and myself as Shaggy which some may argue is probably about as "type" as casting can get, but they're wrong, wrong, wrong)
Anyway, it's attached below for your comment and appraisal. I thought I'd post it about 3 times an hour (maybe a *little* less) with some blindingly obvious newbie-attracting subject. I have little doubt that they'll all ignore it in totally, in which case I'll act as self-appointed AFU Newbie Correction Officer (NCO) and hand-mail it to the offenders. My rates are cheap and I'll even include a weekly report to the AFU board.
Comments, criticism, love-potions, alcoholic beverages all welcome.
(BTW, thanks to the army of people who racked their collective brains to remmeber the names of the Scooby Doo characters - did we get them right?)
Andy
---> snip here for your very own AFU Newbie-Doo <---
Hold it right there NEWBIE! Drop the keyboard and put your hands in the air. If you want to make it to the end of September without gracing the the AFU toast rack, you'd better stop, look, listen and learn from the...
Theme: "Newbie, newbie-doo, at .edu, this is what you should do..."
The mere mention of September brings a shiver of fear to the most hardened of netters as it spells the onslaught of umpteen gazillion newbies from universities all around the Big Wide World (tm) into this Interland that we know and love. OK, maybe not "love" but certainly "get-withdrawal-symptomsfrom -when-kept-away".
Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with being a newbie. We all were at one time or another. *Clueless* Newbies on the other hand, don't go down so well. So before you strap on your rocket boots and go careering down the Information Supercliche^H^H^H^H^H^HHighway, wheels-a-screechin' and horn blarin', pull into an Information SuperMcDonaldsDrive-Thru and have a read of this in the parking lot.
Remember, you only get one chance to make a first impression. You may be stuck on this Interthing for a mighty long time and you wouldn't want a bad reputation to preceed you. The Internet is the most remarkable chap and is most probably quite unlike any other communication medium you've used. As a result, normal people (and a lot of not-so-normal ones) have been immortalised in the pages of net.history (and acheived worldwide.net.infamy) for reasons both good and bad. Don't be one of the latter.
And so to alt.folklore.urban, bastion of the bombastic and general all-round spherical place to be. You may be able to work out that it's an "alt" group which means it doesn't fall under the auspices of the "Big 7" hierarchy of USENET newsgroups (comp, misc, news, rec, talk, sci and soc). If anyone tells you the "alt" hierarchy is an anarchy, place your feet firmly on the ground, hands on hips and say in a loud voice:
"PAH! Quote your references, young fella-me-lad, I believe you not."
(You have to do this a lot on AFU, so you might as well get as much practice as you can.)
The "alt" hierarchy isn't as strictly controlled as Big 7 but that doesn't mean there ain't rules. Sure, "alt is a sewer" (and AFU is a main drain), but we've managed to tidy up our little corner, scrape away the condom slick and make it like a home from home. You're welcome to come and have a look but be warned that we treat it as home (some of us spend more time here than at "real" home) and there is "A Way We Do Things Around Here". Follow the guidelines, take your time, read the FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions list) and you'll do fine. Maybe.
If you decide to go against this advice and wade in, guns blazing, there's not much we can do to stop you. Anyone can read AFU and anyone can post anything to it, however innappropriate. There are no net.police and no-one will write your mommy (although some may write to your sysadmin). If you want to be told what you can and can't post, you're welcome to try the moderated group alt.folklore.suburban. I mean you're welcome to it.
What we *can* do is send you email ranging from polite suggestion/hint to raging tom-flamery (depending on the person and/or how long you persist), treat you with derision, or put you in our killfiles so we never even get to see what you send. On the whole, we'd rather you just got along.
AFU, in all probability, is about discussing urban legends. These are the embarassing, funny or downright stupid "people" stories you hear that are so unbelieveable they just *have* to be true. Some are and some aren't, but before you post the latest one you heard, before you follow up with a variation on a current thread, before you do ANYTHING AT ALL, ftp to cathouse.org and get the FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) from the directory /pub/cathouse/urban.legends and read it. Read it again. Then once more.
While you're there, there are two other documents you simply can't live without as an afu.newbie. These are "afu.survival.guide" (by Antony Cooper) and "frequently.whimpered.whines" (by Tom Cikoski). You can find these in /pub/cathouse/urban.legends/afu. If you want to be diligent, you might find Ray Depew's "newbie.depew" (in the "snide" sub-directory) an interesting read.
If you can't ftp, or don't know how to, go find your sysadmin or someone who twiddles the nobs in the computer centre and ask them. If you work for the New York Times, the "person who twiddles the nobs in the computer centre" may have an entirely different meaning (there may indeed be a double entendre in that last sentence but you are encouraged to ignore it).
The FAQ is a mightily impressive tome, all praise to Terry, and with any luck, it'll take you most of September to read it. This is a Good Thing. It'll give you time to read AFU, catch up on what's going on and to understand some of the humour and style that has made AFU what it is today. If you can learn some of this and *respect* it before you post, you'll go a long way to being a welcomer rather than another Clueless Newbie cluttering up the hall.
By now, you'll have realised that AFU is more than just talk about Urban Legends. The FAQ will tell you about the self-expanding mandate and Ewan Kirk will tell you about his self-expanding manhood given any opportunity. What really *makes* AFU what it is, are the in-jokes and stupid things people say and do. There's a limit of course. Most of us like a little noise with our signal but everything in moderation (except newsgroups).
The whole culture of AFU is diverse and at times, in fact most of the time, bizarre and a little off-keel. Accept it for what it is and enjoy. Don't get frustrated when you don't understand all the jokes, just go with the flow and laugh at what you do know. Much of the history of AFU is archived at cathouse and you can find out an awful lot there. AFU regulars (including those we hold in the highest esteem - the "Old Hats") tire quickly of people asking to have the same old things explained to them. There are many clues in this, and the other documents mentioned here. Use them wisely.
When you've been around for a while and you've established yourself as a poster of reputuable information, you might find that regular posters will explain some of the more subtle nuances to you if you ask (via Email of course). Don't *expect* a response though. Despite the fact that we find 27 hours a day to read AFU, some of us are *very* busy. Why, Peter van der Linden, for example, not only has a full time job, wife and dogs, but also manages to write books on a whole range of subjects (including the *astounding* "Expert C Programming").
So what makes a good poster? With this easy-to-follow chart, you too can learn.
BAD POSTER GOOD POSTER
I heard this story, so it The Washington Times on 23rd Feb 1994 (p4)
must be true... reported that....
I don't think it's in the (posts nothing, because he checked the
FAQ... FAQ and found it was)
You st*p*d f*ck*ng b*st*rd... I'm not sure I agree with your point...
I hear the weather is nice in Ok, so it's sunny over there, you smug
New Zealand... old git...
Who knows any songs about (posts nothing, that thread has been
masturbation? whacked out more times than...never mind)
Look, I know what I'm talking I've checked my facts and it appears that
about, right! I was wrong.
I read this book... I read Peter van der Linden's excellent
book "Expert C Programming - Deep C Secrets"
(Prentice Hall, ISBN 0-13-177429-8)...
I read PvdL's book... I read Peter van der Linden's *excellent*
book "Expert C Programming - Deep C Secrets"
(Prentice Hall, ISBN 0-13-177429-8), buy
two copies today...
I'm new to this group. I've been lurking for a few months and have
found something worthy of a debut post.
What does "MOTTO?" mean? (posts nothing, thinks about it, checks at
cathouse, etc.)
Fuck You! Fuck Me!
:-) (uses creative writing to establish the
humorous content of his post)
The list goes on, but you get the idea. Be factual, do your homework first and get to understand the group before you post anything. Lurking around in the background for a month or two is a *must* or at the very least, a really-really-should-do.
Going back to the no-no list above, that last little chap, yeah him with the wonky face, is particularly worthy of mention. Every now and then, this big argument flares up about why smileys are detested so in AFU. The argument goes that "they indicate humour". The reply goes "if you can't indicate humour by your style of writing, then don't bother."
Ain't that the truth!
In AFU, we pride ourselves in using a clear, articulate and where appropriate, humourous writing style. We understand sarcasm, humour and wit, both wet and dry and we don't neet no stinkin' emoticons messin' up our day. If you really find it hard to distinguish between what is meant seriously and what isn't, you need to hang around longer and get to know the people. After a while, you'll be able to recognise their style and understand when they have their tongues in their (or each other's) cheeks and when they really are serious about their Barbie dolls.
While I'm warning you about the perils of "emoticonating", I might as well tell you about trolling. Ted Frank, the Grand Master, and snopes, the rising star, could tell you much if it pleased them but that's for another day. What trolling is supposed to be about is exposing as idiots those self-opinionated people who love to correct every minor mistake that anyone posts. Unfortunately, too many people seem to think it is about posting misinformation and then laughing at all the people who kindly correct you.
If you post information on AFU that is ropey, someone will correct it. We don't accept half-truths or maybe's. If you then turn around and say "Ha Ha you're hooked SUUCKKKAAA!", we'll tut and raise our eyes to the ceiling. A clever troll is an obvious and humorous mistake that is funny because it is *so* obvious yet still catches people. On AFU, we've taken it a stage further and clearly mark our trolls in the "Keywords" section with the word "troll" or some variation on Phil Gustafson being scooped out of the lake, scuba gear and all and dropped on a forest fire.
As a potential trollee, always stop and think before you post. Not everyone gets the "Keywords:" section in their headers, but if you do, check them. Remember that at least 41 other newbies will reply to the message, so why not leave them to it and have a chuckle at their expense?
Well that should be enough of a starter for even the most hapless newbie. I deliberately haven't mentioned Kibo because he's just this guy (check out alt.religion.kibology). Nor have I deemed to mention Vicki Robinson or her virus becuase she's just this chick^H^H^H^H^Hhonoured Old Hat (check out cathouse). Have I got time for another mention of PvdL's book? (I'm expecting a gratis copy of the next one, Peter)
ObAFUHistory:
The AFU tradition of using quoted "middle" names was originally started
by Napoleon "Brandy" Bonerpart and just caught on.
Andy "but they're not obligatory" Wardley
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