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The AFU and Urban Legend Archive AFU AFU, Inc. whatever happened to afu inc
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The AFU and Urban Legend Archive AFU AFU, Inc. whatever happened to afu inc
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Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
From: panther@seltd.jvnc.net (Panther Digital)
Subject: What Ever Became of AFU Inc.?
Date: Thu, 1 Dec 1994 13:14:31 GMT
[The following article is transcribed from this morning's Austin (Texas)
Sun-Times Inquirer. Fair use rules of the Berne Convention apply.]
What Ever Became of AFU, Inc.?
by Steve "Tex" Shordarm, Sun-Times Inquirer Financial Analyst
The big mystery on The Street these days is what has happened to the
once high flying firm of AFU, Inc., producers and distributors of
urban legends and related products and services. Once the darling
of the media and the over-the-counter set, AFU, Inc. appears to have fallen
on very hard times recently. Trading activity has been sluggish.
Phone calls go unreturned. Even the door of the headquarters office
in the opulent One AFU Plaza underground skyscraper remains locked.
A recent visitor was told by a feeble voice from the intercom to "slip
it under the door and gid ouwda here!" This is a summary of what may have
contributed to its precipitous decline:
Flaw in the Byzantium Chip
Sales of the highly successful AFU Byzantium BS Detector chip came to
a sudden halt after a flaw was discovered in one of its key algorithms.
In spite of what the company called "obese quality controls" the
chip's performance was called into question on November 9, 1994 after
the US election results were published. Soon afterward, AFU made
public admission that the Byzantium could be fooled by holding one's
fingers crossed behind one's back while speaking or writing.
Acrimony in the Boardroom
The sudden resignation and disappearance of whizkinder board member
Joella Furn has people all over The Big Apple talking behind cupped
hands. Was she murdered on the Orient Express by The Cabal of Forty?
Was she the victim of spontaneous human combustion? Has she run off
to keep house for B. Traven and T. Pynchon? Does anyone care?
The Infamous Stockholder's Meeting
The recent stockholder's meeting has been described by some obervers
as "the apotheosis of debauchery" and by others as "a tedious exercise
in self-absorbtion." Was it either of these? Was it both? Should any
major multinational permit its stockholders to behave in such a manner
at company expense? When will the next such orgy be held? Can I attend?
The Situation in Bosnia
Soon after it became public knowledge that the elevators in the opulent
One AFU Plaza underground skyscraper had been installed without cables,
("Ooops," said the architect) AFU announced that greased poles would be
used for travel between non-adjacent floors. This fall, AFU published
a plan to replace the greased poles with greased bosnians as a cost saving
measure. Due to the carnage now taking place over there in Hungary,
the availability of greased bosnians is questionable. Since the poles
had already been layed off, travel between offices at the opulent facility
has slowed, literally, to a crawl.
Whatever the truth or falseness of these tales, it is a fact that AFU Inc., is in something of a slump. Possibly the passage of GATT in the US will help bring its fortunes around, but this is questionable. In any event, my recommendation is "buy low, sell high, hold your own"
( )_( )
\. ./
_=.=_
" -- Yet more evidence that the media is out of control.
--
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t"splinter"c is <panther@seltd.newnet.com>
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