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Subject: Class Action Suit filed against AFU, Inc.
Date: Thu, 15 Sep 1994 04:07:18 GMT

[AP, TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, NM]

A class action suit against AFU, Inc., and its board of directors was launched today, as a complaint alleging securities fraud under section 10(b) of the Securities Exchange Act of 1934 was filed in the Northern District of New Mexico.

"AFU withheld material information about the potential for this sort of drop in stock price when September hit," said attorney Martha Siegel on behalf of named class plaintiffs Dr. Peter Plantec of Boulder, Colorado, and Canadian investment firm BGJW Partnerships. "With 78 million shares outstanding, and a stock drop of 7 1/4, we're looking at potentially half a billion dollars of damages." Siegel said that anyone who owned AFU stock as of September 1, 1994, would be a member of the class. Anyone seeking to join the class should contact Canter & Siegel at their Chicago branch offices, located in the Prudential Building one floor down from Baker & MacKenzie. Rule 23 of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure requires that such forms be filled out at no cost, but Siegel suggested that a modest $100 fee would be charged for the processing of each class member's form.

AFU Corporate Counsel Ted Frank, recently promoted after the sudden death of former Corporate Counsel Terry Carroll of a heart attack while taking the California bar, suggested that AFU will probably move to have the suit dismissed. Frank has a personal stake in this litigation; he is considered a "control person" under SEC regulations, as are all "Old Hats," and is a named co-defendant. "Cases such as Weilgos v. Commonwealth Edison suggest that we should be fully exonerated," said Frank. "It's well-known in the industry that there is a seasonal downturn every September; if investor confidence was at all shaken, it was only because industry analysts botched their projections. AFU exists solely to propagate accurate information, and anyone who would suggest that any of us would ever make a material misrepresentation with scienter makes me doubt their voracity."

Legal experts, however, noted that AFU, Inc., could run into problems if the case gets before a jury. "They never should've had Lionel Trolling & Associates do the 10-K reports," said securities attorney James L. Curtis. "Printing the entire prospectus in 36-point WingDings makes it hard for the reasonable investor to know where to put his money, and when my office translated it, it turned out to be a discussion of the Monty Hall problem." (The Monty Hall problem is a mathematical puzzle whereby a player has a fifty percent chance of winning a goat or a car from the two doors available to him or her.)

AFU dropped another 3 points on the news of the suit, leading observers to speculate that more lawsuits may be on the way. SEC officials refused to comment on rumors that the agency was investigating suspicious trading activity of AFU stock over the past two weeks in offshore financial transactions in Scotland and New Zealand.

[Plantec v. AFU, Inc., Northern District of New Mexico, 94 C 1701]
--

ted frank       "This package might contain a mail-bomb.  You want to open
                 it?"
                                 -- unnamed Seventh Circuit federal judge

>From hibob@dragonfly.cds.tek.com (Bob Hiebert CDS)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
Subject: Re: AFU Poison Pill Defense
Date: 15 Sep 1994 06:05:18 GMT

A poison pill defense is only used in the best interests of the managment. In almost all cases (Disney and a few others are notable exceptions) a strong defense is not in the best interest of the shareholders. Even the Disney situation was less "poison pill" than it was "White Knight".

The recent barage assaulted on this once noble newgroup is certainly a problem that bothers many of us. I would propose that we look for a white knight before pissing off the owners.

Perhaps the first action of the good Sir Knight would be to write a program that moves throughout the net and removes all references to AFU from all net.traffic. With luck, this could be ported to other systems with the intent of preventing AFU references from showing up in the print media.

Bob "tap-dancing and pirouetting through the minefield" Hiebert

>From dennyzen@delphi.com ()
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
Subject: Mysterious Disease May Threaten Legend Harvest
Date: Thu, 15 Sep 94 11:52:31 -0500

Mysterious Disease May Threaten Legend Harvest

LIBERAL, KANSAS (AgriNews) -- Researchers at a leading midwest agricultural and military science university, Limbaugh A&M, have announced the discovery of a new strain of plant blight which could cause considerable losses in the upcoming legend harvest if its spread is sufficiently rapid.

Dr. Chandra Awannahonda, lead micromythologist on the research team, said that the Rhodes Rust is characterized by exceptional survivability, ease of mutation, capability for Christ-like resurrection, and the rare-but-not-impossible chance of making the infected host filthy rich.

The newly-discovered blight is said to have possibly arrived from Venezuela aboard a bannana boat, or possibly been lurking in the luggage of a frequent Concorde flyer from Greater London.

"This news places the commodities markets into a state of nervous apprehension," said Sidney Blumenbaum, of the firm of Blemenbaum, Blumenbaum, Blumenbaum, Yamaguchi and Corleone. Speaking via telephone from beneath an earthen dam he was touring, Mr. Blumenbaum noted that whereas the anticipated bountiful harvest had put legend futures in peril, the news of a possible blight would probably have the opposite effect.

"We ain' no brain surgeons," said Donald Corleone, his partner.

>From nebusj@lib104.its.rpi.edu (Joseph Francis Nebus)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
Subject: Re: AFU Poison Pill Defense
Date: 15 Sep 1994 20:20:08 GMT

Is there any information on the subsidiary alt.folklore.suburban and how it will be affected by this most recent turmoil?

Joseph Nebus

>From rrd@fc.hp.com (Ray Depew)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
Subject: Re: AFU Poison Pill Defense
Date: 16 Sep 1994 21:19:50 GMT

Joseph Francis Nebus (nebusj@lib104.its.rpi.edu) wrote: : Is there any information on the subsidiary alt.folklore.suburban and
: how it will be affected by this most recent turmoil?

Last I heard, AFU was frantically denying any relation to AFsU, while at the same time rattling sabers and threatening to sue AFsU for trademark infringement. But hey, that's just a rumour and you know how rumours get distourted by the time they reach the bottom five floors of the AFU Tower.

Regards
Ray Depew
Chairman, Curator and Headmaster of
The Axeman Institute

>From caskey_s@ix.wcc.govt.nz ()
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
Subject: Re: Class Action Suit filed against AFU, Inc.
Date: 18 Sep 1994 11:47:18 GMT

In article <1994Sep15.040718.20613@midway.uchicago.edu>, thf2@kimbark.uchicago.edu (Ted Frank) writes: > [AP, TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES, NM]
>
[...]
>
> AFU dropped another 3 points on the news of the suit,
>leading observers to speculate that more lawsuits may be on the
>way. SEC officials refused to comment on rumors that the agency
>was investigating suspicious trading activity of AFU stock over the
>past two weeks in offshore financial transactions in Scotland and
>New Zealand.

==begins==

U.S. LEGAL ACTION HAS KIWI CONNECTION nzpa 18/sep/94

A class action suit lodged in the United States is having unexpected fallout in New Zealand.

Multinational urban legend dealer AFU, Inc., has been accused in Parliament of exploiting deficiencies in the management of the New Zealand Stock Exchange to process irregular transactions in an attempt to prop up its currently shaky stock.

New Zealand First party leader Winston Peters, speaking under Parliamentary privilege, claimed that senior AFU executives were using offshore transations of dubious legality. "They're covering their arses," he commented, "but we all know where the toothbrush went."

"The stock in trade of these people is myths; lying is second nature to them. Most of them are American after all."

Mr Peters produced a beer crate full of what he claimed were documents proving connivance in this operation by several leading NZ financial institutions, a major chain of sporting goods stores, a mail-order "adult supplies" business, and a bunch of hoons from West Auckland. When asked why a beer crate, he replied, "The cat pissed in the wine box." He then excused himself from the interview, pleading a prior appointment with his tailor.

The Prime Minister, Jim Bolger, responded that he was unaware of any of the irregularities alleged by Mr Peters, and that he was sure the Securities Commission had everything under control. He also reassured the House that the sky was not falling, and that everyone would live happily ever after.

Police are currently seeking the whereabouts of Derek "The Tool" Tearne, alleged to be an AFU "Old Hat" and therefore one of the co-defendants in the US suit. Derek is described by associates as "an innocuous-looking Pom with an indefinable air of smugness". He was last seen wearing a T-shirt bearing the caption "It's not a bald spot; it's a solar cell for a sex machine" and driving the sort of car your mother warned you about.

AFU Inc's Old Hats are believed to be a group similar to the better-known Lloyds' "Names", though even less principled.

==ends==

--
Steve Caskey, aka caskey_s@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz "Tonstant Weader fwowed up" - Dorothy Parker

>From thf2@kimbark.uchicago.edu (Ted Frank)
Subject: AFU Announces Derivative Securities, Stuns Legend Brokers With
Pre-Emptive Strike
Date: Sun, 18 Sep 1994 18:16:10 GMT

In article <779652727snz@kirk.demon.co.uk> ewan@kirk.demon.co.uk writes: >This has lead to speculation that the Euromarket may
>be ready for the next move: the commoditisation of
>legends. Legends will be stripped from the hands of
>AFU in the same way as control of the oil market was
>stripped from the hands of Standard Oil. Legends
>will be free to be traded in an active futures market.

In a move widely hailed as an effort to forestall loss of legend market share from the inevitable deregulation and commoditization of the legends market, AFU, Inc., stunned the investment community by unveiling a series of complex legend derivative securities that should start regular public trading on the Chicago Board of Trade sometime in October.

"These derivatives offer investors an infinite variety of hedging options that no mere futures contract can anticipate," said AFU, Inc. corporate counsel Ted Frank. "For example, anyone holding a position in the Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe would've taken a bath when its legend market share suddenly shifted to Mrs. Fields'. An investor in our new Two-Fifty Fund, however, would've been fully protected, and, indeed, our spreadsheets show she would've made a tidy profit. We will be offering all manner of risk portfolios, from the safer-than-T-bills Shergold Derivatives to the volatile Disney Lemming Fund. In this fashion, an investor need not depend on the basket index provided by the International Legends Exchange, but in true Chicago fashion, may construct their own basket to meet their risk and return preferences."

--
ted frank

>From rudolph@cis.umassd.edu (Lee Rudolph)
Subject: Re: AFU Announces Derivative Securities, Stuns Legend Brokers With
Pre-Emptive Strike
Date: Sun, 18 Sep 1994 19:58:38 GMT

thf2@kimbark.uchicago.edu (Ted Frank) writes:

>In this fashion, an investor need not
>depend on the basket index provided by the International
>Legends Exchange, but in true Chicago fashion, may construct
>their own basket to meet their risk and return preferences."

It's been a long time since the self-surgery thread has resurfaced, but I'm surprised to see it merging with the Penis Dimension sequence (or are we talking Jamie Lee Curtis here?).

Lee "200 motels, 40 trussed houses" Rudolph