The AFU and Urban Legend Archive AFU AFU, Inc. shrGOLD card Select a topic - - - - - - - - Home Searches AFU FAQ - - - - - - - - AFU Animals Books Celebrities Classic Collegiate Death Disney Drugs Food GIF Language Legal Medical Misc Movies Politics Products Religion Science Sex Songs TV - - - - - - - - Other sites

From: splinter@panix.com (Tom Cikoski)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
Subject: Congratulations!
Date: 26 Oct 1996 11:09:11 -0400

                    The First AFU Bank of the Net
                           One AFU Plaza
                       New York, NY 10000-0001

Dear Occupant:

Congratulations! Because of your marvelous credit history you have been prequalified to receive the prestigious new shrGold Card from The First AFU Bank of the Net!

The shrGold Card from The First AFU Bank is something special!

1. It's a CREDIT CARD, accepted at over dozens of fine hotels, restaurants, car rental kiosks, gas stations, and sex toy shops around the world. Look for the decal of the dying boy in the window of any store you visit.
2. It's a DEBIT CARD, able to siphon enormous sums from your liquid assets in the mere twinkling of an optic fibre. Use it any place you would use currency or brute force.
3. It's a CASH CARD, usable at automated teller machines (ATMs) in any brach office of The First AFU Bank, here and abroad, as well as any financial institution on the Locust cash machine network. You can always recognize one our ATMs. Look for the prominent sign "Temporarily Out Of Service".
4. It's a CACHE CARD, fully configured with 256 ZMeg of flashand -dash memory for any portable computer which accepts PCMCIA Type VII cards or has a QEII floating VESI EDO bus with hypertrace links, YDRUM and TPRAM, and a hot plate.
5. It's a HIGH ENERGY SNACK, chock full of vitamins, minerals, refined white sugar, and a double dose of caffeine. Great for those between meal munchies or just prior to receiving sentence.

The shrGold Card from The First AFU Bank is also the *only* card in the world which lets you pay your monthly bill "in kind" by providing much-needed janitorial services in the rest rooms of One AFU Plaza, the world's largest underground skyscraper.

Sign up for your shrGold Card now and we'll also credit your account with 5,000 frequent miles!

All you need to do is answer a few brief questions on the stub below and mail it to our address above. You'll receive your shrGold Card while it's still warm from the baking kiln.

Please fill in your:

Gross Annual Income:_____Net BiWeekly Income:______Alimony:____ Gambling Winnings:_______Annual Bottle and Can Return:_________ Money Found on Street:______Money Caged from Family/Friends:___ Annual Embezzlements:______Cash Obtained Through Fraud:________ Annual Tax Escheats:_______Money Begged from Passersby:________ Proceeds from Armed Robbery:__________Yearly Stolen Swag:______ Cash Copped from Church Plate:______Counterfeit Coin:__________ Inheritances:____Kickbacks:______Bribes:_____Gifts:____________

If the above do not total at least $165,279.31 plus $2.50 postage and handling then we've made a grotesque, horrible bungle in even approaching a worthless bit of pond scum such as yourself and we shall just have to have words with our MIS manager first thing in the morning. Just forget the whole thing. Or, ask for The First AFU Clear Card, the card designed especially for flakes, ne'er-do-wells, deadbeats and reprobates like you.

( )_( )
\. ./
_=.=_
" -- My Uncle Hector took that "in kind" payback option

and the next day they found him swimming in the bowl!