The AFU and Urban Legend Archive AFU AFU, Inc. rastafarian powerhouses Select a topic - - - - - - - - Home Searches AFU FAQ - - - - - - - - AFU Animals Books Celebrities Classic Collegiate Death Disney Drugs Food GIF Language Legal Medical Misc Movies Politics Products Religion Science Sex Songs TV - - - - - - - - Other sites

NEW YORK. In a tense and sometimes rowdy meeting, Goldman Sachs (the Rastafarian Powerhouse of Wall Street) presented their restructuring plan to the Board of AFU. The board members (or "hats" as they are known in the baroque terminology of AFU) sat tight lipped and ashen faced through the sometimes hard hitting presentation.

Goldmans are thought to have suggested radical restructuring of the venerated news group. "There's too much reliance on the old technology and old products" and insider said today. "They've been resting on their laurels and now they're going to get their faces ripped off by the market".

In an attempt to stem the tide and prop up their sagging signal to noise ratio, Goldmans are thought to have suggested a hostile take overs of other groups. "For years they've been nibbling around the edges of rec.startrek.* and rec.arts.bonsai but it's time now for them to be a proactive and aggressive player in the M and A market".

A spokesman for AFU said that they were keeping their options open but the corporate raider culture would fit very well with AFU. Targets are thought to be alt.religion.kibology and alt.sex.

AFU closed up 2 to 26 7/8 on a volume of 521,000.

LATE NEWS:

George Soros has announced his Quantum AFU fund. This fund is a highly geared speculative fund specialising in derivatives trading in AFU.

Regulators have been wary of such GFOFs in the past but by locating the fund in Ecuador, much of the regulatory machinery has been bypassed.

The board of AFU released this statement late last night:

"We doan need no steenking binary knockout options".

In overnight trading in Tokyo and London, AFU was down 3 2/8 at 23 5/8.

--
--E.
"It's not the torment of the flames that sear your flesh ...it's the small humiliations."
ahb#7

       AFU Euro Issue Flops but Derivatives Take Off.
       =========================================

After recent disasters by American companies hoping to break into the lucrative and sophisticated European markets, AFU Inc stunned the US investment community by launching a stock issue in London, Paris and Frankfurt.

Jean Luc Panty of CSFB was impressed by the market coverage. "Zee Ah Eff Oo stock is 'ighly prized". However, another unnamed source in the UK Legends Sector was dismissive of the latest attempt of AFU to break into a global market place.

"These pathetic American wankers are always trying to break into global marketplaces when they don't know their arses from their elbows. There's people in fairly senior positions in AFU who couldn't tell you what side of the road people drive on in the UK. They're gonna lose their faces on this one. These shares are going down the fuckin' toilet".

Traditionally, Europe has been the home of rather more sophisticated legends. For example, the "Peanut Butter on the Pubes" legend was recently traded under the guise of "Vintage Wine and Gentleman's Relish...down there". This has lead to speculation that the Euromarket may be ready for the next move: the commoditisation of legends. Legends will be stripped from the hands of AFU in the same way as control of the oil market was stripped from the hands of Standard Oil. Legends will be free to be traded in an active futures market.

Already, the ILE (International Legends Exchange) in London is trading 12 months futures contracts. The prompt month (September) traditionally trades at a discount to the other months. Open interest is at a record level.

Speculators are already rolling their interest out of the September into the October contract thus weakening the timespreads even further and plunging the market into deep contango. Indeed we may be seeing a month to month discount of such a level that "cash and carry" arbitrageurs may enter the market. These are profit hungry sharks who see that legends in September are at such a discount to legends in October that they can buy September legends and hold them until October and still make a profit. This profit is hedged by selling forward October Legends at a fixed price.

The futures contract prices off a basket of widely traded legends such as "Lights Out", "Blue Star Acid", "Craig Sonnygold" and "Does anybody know any Songs About Masturbation". The ILE has recently launched an options contract on the first four traded months.

September contract legends closed at 15.40 last night up 20c on short covering. October closed at 16.83. Implied vols on the option contracts were firmer in expectation of a choppy ride in the legends market.

--
--E.

• End of forwarded mail from ewan@kirk.demon.co.uk