The AFU and Urban Legend Archive
AFU
AFU, Inc.
 one afu plaza




From: dennyzen@delphi.com
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
Subject: Welcome to One AFU Plaza <long>
Date: Thu, 25 Aug 94 14:08:59 -0500

[This pamphlet is now being handed out by the Tour Guides at

One AFU Plaza. Your comments are invited!]

W E L C O M E

to

ONE AFU PLAZA

You are about to tour one of the most exciting and memorable real

estate developments of the Century! 

                ^-----------^-^-----------^
                |                         |
                |      One AFU Plaza      |
                |                         |
                ---------------------------

At a full 125 floors, One AFU Plaza is the world's tallest structure devoted to working/living/playing in the world's most exciting borough, MANHATTAN! And all this with only the top floor showing above ground!

How did they do it? Why did they do it? Well, let's just say that there was a "teensy weensy" little mistake in a C printf format that just happened to change the sign of one or two minor variables here and there, with the end result that One AFU Plaza is the world's only skyscraper that was built top down instead of bottom up. Yes, we threw that old tradition right out the window, and it didn't fall far enough to get a bruise!

But before we start on our tour, a few brief words about

YOUR COMFORT AND SAFETY

*) The State of New York prohibits smoking in all public 

       areas, including in and around One AFU Plaza.  If you must 
       take a nicotine break, please step over to New Jersey.

*) Children under the age of twelve must remain chained to

their parents at all times during the tour.

*) If you are "mobility impaired" you may follow the Blue 

       Arrow Tour.  The Blue Arrow Tour provides access to ramps,
       pulleys, ropes, and greased poles for travel between floors.

*) If you are "vision impaired" you may use the special "tactile 

       data bulbs" which are located in pairs, at a height of about
       four feet from the ground, just below our patented "autoGuide"
       audio output devices on each floor.  Remember, when you
       hear a friendly voice, reach out for the tactile data bulbs.

*) If "nature calls" during the tour, please notify your 

       Guide.  He or she will direct you to the nearest Comfort
       Facility. [Note: Comfort Facilities courtesy of ZipLokk
       EasyBagIt Corporation, Greenlawn, Long Island] Kindly tell the
       Guide if you will need a Number 1 bag, a Number 2 bag, or both.

*) Swarthy men driving rented yellow vans are prohibited

from parking in the underground lot.

*) Actually, everyone is prohibited from parking in the 

       underground lot except those whose cars were on the
       lot when excavation began. Those lucky folks have been
       awarded "really long term" parking permits.

*) In the highly unlikely event that you should be asked 

       to evacuate the building due to fire, bomb scare, poison
       gas, killer ex-employee on the rampage with an Uzi,
       outbreak of Legionnaires' Disease, berzerk circus elephant,
       sniper on the mezzanine, or change in City Administration,
       please remain calmly in your place until your Tour Guide returns

SOME AMAZING BUT TRUE FACTS ABOUT ONE AFU PLAZA

> On any given weekday there is more spit in One AFU Plaza than in the
whole country of Tanzania.

> If you dropped a dime down one of the elevator shafts from the 125th
floor, it wouldn't fall very far because the elevators are out of order.

> One AFU Plaza is the world's largest user of ZipLokk EasyBags.

> There is enough telephone wire strung throughout One AFU Plaza
to supply 2,326,518 Mafia Hit Men for the next 12.32 years.

> The subfoundation of One AFU Plaza abuts the subfoundation of
Yi DengShew Square in China, the world's second tallest structure devoted to working/living/playing. During the early construction, the American and Chinese crews would exchange lunches, tools and bodily fluids!

> If everyone who commutes to work every day at One AFU Plaza
were to lay down in a straight line, head to foot, someone would trip over them.

HIGH POINTS ON THE TOUR

The Lobby

 There are few words in the English language adequate to describe the impact of this ten-story expanse of simulated Formica (tm). One reason for this is that its designer, Giuseppe DiPietrolongo, speaks only Italian. In response to one critic who said that The Lobby looks like "A poor wop's wet dream of a Chinese bordello," Giuseppe murmured "I'm middle class."

The Statue

 Dominating the center of the enormous Lobby, this gigantic likeness of Craig Shergold has been the center of its own controversy. Its sculptor, Lars Klayveggen of Trollhiem, Norway, died just hours before its unveiling when he "fell" from the right pupil observation port. At the unveiling, some onlookers questioned whether this was, in fact, supposed to be Shergold. Depending on the viewing angle, The Statue has been described as "a rat-faced 'possum boy", a "fat balding 50-ish nerd", a "sex-starved Usenet freek" or "someone with a rare disease." What do *you* think it looks like?

The Mobile

 High above The Statue is The Mobile. The Mobile is patterned after one by Alexader Calder, and was constructed by members of a nearby youth gang during the time that The Lobby was being decorated. The dangling pairs of tennis shoes are authentic. The "bodies" are probably dummies.

Glomni Hotel

 When your travel needs bring you to Manhattan, you could do worse than to book your stay at the Glomni. Or, as we N'Yawkers like to say, "Glom on to the Glomni!" Just be sure to tell the reservations clerk that you are "*not* on public assistance" and that you'd like a *full* box of ZipLokk EasyBags.

AFU Inc Headquarters

 At the very tip top of this fabulous building (that is to say, only a few floors underground) sits the World Headquarters of AFU Inc, a multinational conglomeration of individual UL profit centers which sell and maintain a wide variety of handcrafted rumors and associated products and services. Your Tour Guide will be happy to explain to you the advantages of owning an AFU Inc franchise of your very own. In fact, he or she will be *so* happy to do this that you won't get out of the building without having sat through the pitch at least twice. So, gird your loins, drop your sales resistance, and open your checkbook ("chequebook" for you Brits), and get ready to MAKE.MONEY.FAST!


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