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From: dennyzen@news.delphi.com (DENNYZEN@DELPHI.COM)
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
Subject: AFU TV Channel
Date: 20 Dec 1993 15:09:35 -0500

             AFU Incorporated
             1 AFU Place
             New York, NY 10001-1001

December 20, 1993

Dear members of the AFU family,

Cable TV is now the hottest area for business growth in the world. Gigabucks are being ventured on megadeals by global power brokers in order that they may be the first in line to carve a slice out of the coming media super highway. There's five hundred channels up there for grabs, folks, and one of them can belong to AFU. We should begin *now* to plan our own cable TV channel for a worldwide audience.

"What ho!" you say. "Whence cometh the funding for this audacious scheme?"

Well, if each of the more than 120,000 AFU readers invested a mere US $10,000, we'd soon have a war chest of US $1.2B to use for this effort! Think big! Think cable!

But let's forget funding for the moment. Just imagine the choice programming we'd have to offer our AFU viewing public. With the help of the staff writers here at AFU, Inc. I have compiled a tentative list of program offerings. In order for you to appreciate the drawing power of these programs, I have given each program the name of its closest equivalent program in today's US TV market. I beg the forgiveness of our non-US readers that the only non-US TV show I can think of at the moment is "Two Ronnies."

==

Nightly News -- Instead of News, which will appear on the other 499 channels, we will feature Terry Chan delivering updates to the AFU FAQ. On location reports will come from Bob O'Bob, Alan Rosenthal, Joe Chew, Bruce Tindall, and the rest of the AFU crew. Cindy Kandolf will provide the token female presence at the anchor desk.

Nightly Weather -- The location and movement of UL storm centers will be presented in an engaging manner by Michael Hensley, superimposed on a map of your local area.

Entertainment Tonight -- Host Catstyle takes you "behind the scenes at AFU. Lots of back alley gossip. Hot topic: "Who's bidding for Vicki now?"

Bassmasters -- Judge Frank will give us tips on landing the big ones. By the end of the program, he will have landed you!

Ren and Stimpy -- Mayers and Lasner reprise their flamewar over the definition of "the sixties" in this laff-riot. At the very mention of the phrase "You eeediot!" you'll ROTFL-L-L.

Nova -- Bill Nelson shows us how *everything* works except for AFU regulars, who "don't have the time for it."

Beavis and Butthead -- fontVince and Sea Wasp remind us that everything on AFU "sucks." A sure hit!

60 Minutes -- Hosted by PvdL and Phil, this hard-hitting UL-buster series will tackle the highbrow UL audience, while touring the country on their articulated thirty-seat bicycle. If the guests aren't sweating, the hosts will be. Look for YuNoHoo and Glenn Moulaison helping to pedal.

Baywatch -- We'll need volunteers from the AFU family to be cast in this compelling serious drama with "just a hint" of T&A jiggle. Interested females should send a GIF! GIF! of their jiggly parts to the undersigned. James W. Parry will play the lead male role.

Cops -- Our live action cameras follow Jon Papai, as each night he takes the AFU Patrol Car to a different city, looking for escaped Urban Legends. When he finds one, he wrestles it to the ground and captures it. Lots of gore and violence. Rated PG-13.

Rescue 911 -- We run staged videos of actual rescues of small furry animals by little gator. She then binds these animals in leather and mails then to a.s.b for laughs.

Hard Copy -- Bill VanHorne tracks down the real truth about net.loons on the loose, beards them in their own dens, and brings us back the hard-hitting stories. A new loon every night!

Roseanne -- STella plays the title role in this bawdy romp through the banal blue collar life style. Rated X.

Upstairs, Downstairs -- Top class historical fiction, featuring all the AFU regulars (Upstairs) leading a life of ease, while the lurkers, newbies, wannabees and OPLF (Downstairs) plot their ultimate unseemly demise. Lots of bad dialogue.

Julia Child -- A variety of guest chefs will prepare meals featuring a wide selection of vile body fluids. Derek Tearne adds tales of strange foreign foods he has refused to ingest.

Body Shaping -- Denny Zen will lead us through exercises aimed at getting that flabby belly to hang just a little bit farther over the belt. Then he helps us to cool down with a few brewskis.

Rush Limbaugh -- We will hear everything Rush said today from John Switzer. Several times.

David Letterman -- Lee Rudolph supplies the mile-a-minute guffaws on this nightly yak-fest. Dave DeLaney leads the atonal band in the background.

America's Most Wanted -- Ray Depew hosts this look at violent crime and criminals in our society. Each night he decapitates another condemned miscreant. Sponsored by Wilkinson Sword.

Sign Off -- Paul Tomblin sings 'Oh, Canada' followed by Nolan Hinshaw singing 'The Star Spangled Banner'. They then trade insults about their respective countries.

==

If you haven't seen a role for yourself, just EMail me your own suggestion. Don't forget the check for US $10,000.

t "ratvision" c
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