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 afu inc




Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
From: splinter@allink.com (tom cikoski)
Subject: Memo on Your IMPROVED AFU Benefits Plan (long)
Date: Mon, 14 Mar 1994 18:06:18 GMT

                    AFU, Inc.
             1 AFU Plaza 119th Floor
             New York, NY  10000-1000

                    3/15/94

Office of SENIOR Management

Dear AFU Associate,

I'm sure that you are as pleased as we in SENIOR management have been over our quick response to deteriorating world market conditions. Pay no attention to those empty offices down the hall. Those people were goof-offs, ne'er-do-wells, SHIRKERS! Do you hear?

Wait, sorry about that. It's just that, well, I do so enjoy giving the boot, you understand. But then, that's why I'm in SENIOR management and you're still stocking the shelves, so to speak.

But enough of this idle chit-chat (are you getting this all, Doreen? My you're looking gelatinous this morning.) I'm dictating this memo today (Doreen, change that to "writing" when you transcribe, okay?) to inform you of the great improvements that have been made to your AFU, Inc benefits package. In these troubled economic times, many of our great institutions of wealth and power, like (ahem) AFU, are seeing the need to cut back on benefits expenditures like insurance, coffee clubs, tuition and so forth.

Well, I'm here to tell you that this will NOT HAPPEN at AFU. We're actually adding features to your benefits on an almost hourly basis. Let me give you some examples:

ACCIDENTAL DEATH BENEFITS

  1. Death by shark attack to menstruating women is now fully covered under Double Indemnity, as long as the attack occurs within the state of Montana. But that's not all, ladies ...
  2. Death by bear attack to menstruating women is now fully covered under Double Indemnity, in any of several coastal waters WORLDWIDE!
  3. Both men AND women will be fully covered under Double Indemnity for death due to explosion upon exposure to sudden vacuum! So, go ahead and *sign up for that Mars trip*! We'll even pay to bury what we can find of your remains!
  4. Finally, but not leastways, all family members are fully covered in the event of death by gang initiation slaying due to blinked headlights!

[Note: We have yet to make a decision on coverage in the event of suffocation-by-panties-over-the-head, but will inform you as soon as we do.]

HEALTH CARE BENEFITS

First, let me say how pleased we SENIOR managers are that you appear not to have noticed (Doreen, make that last phase "accepted without question") that our company contributions to the health insurance plan were halved while yours were doubled. The few persons who did raise questions have had all of their concerns cheerfully answered, and are now learning what the initials COBRA mean on a termination form.

But I digress.

  1. Penis grafting is now covered in most states (except Virginia) at the reasonable and customary local rate, for all grafts made on the forearm. Coverage for stump grafts is available at slightly higher rates if the covered employee first passes a pre-Risk Assessment for Penis Severance. (Hey, Doreen. No "risk" for me, huh? Put down those scissors, Doreen.)
  2. Scrotum repairs are now fully covered for all male employees, providing that, 1) the employee has no prior history of stapling, nailing, pop-riveting, cleeko-ing or Dzu-fastening his scrotum, and 2) the injury occured on company premises or in one of the nearby saloons.
  3. Hickey removal by laser surgery is covered at seventy-percent. (Doreen, maybe you and me should sign up, heh, heh, heh).
  4. Unfortunately, coverage in the event of inhaling plutonium has been reduced to emergency on-site treatment only. We give you a hanky and tell you to cough.

SICK PAY

 Yes, it is, but there's not much we can do about it.

VACATION BENEFITS

 Our CEO, Dr. VdL, has generously decided to provide up to two days of paid vacation to employees with over twenty-years of accident-free, perfect-attendance employment, provided that these two days are not taken consecutively or on weekdays.

On behalf of AFU SENIOR management, I once again want to express my sincere thanks for the way you have all pitched in these past few months and helped us to attain our short-term revenue targets. As a result of this fine effort, your SENIOR management has been awarded a fifteen percent across-the-board pay increase and doubled incentive bonuses. In an attempt to convey to you our heartfelt gratitude for this, we're hosting a reception in the company cafeteria tomorrow from noon to 12:10PM. Please join us for a refreshing carrot stick, providing all of your paperwork is up-to-date.

(Okay, Doreen, you can type it and send it. Doreen? Doreen?)

t "SENIOR management" c


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